Alabama vs. LSU: Examining The Undercard

All great heavyweight fights have an undercard; a series of lesser fights leading up to the main event. With yet another night kickoff for the Tide this week, we Bama fans are left with an entire day to kill before kickoff. Those lucky enough to be in Tuscaloosa this Saturday have the opportunity to tailgate, eat, drink and try to determine if there is anything the cajuns won’t fry.

For Tide fans in other parts of the world, the best option to keep from driving yourself crazy with stress is to watch the day’s slate of games and try and enjoy one of the precious few football Saturdays left in the year.

The following is your guide to the games leading up to our clash with LSU. At best, one or two will turn out to be entertaining and help pass the time before kickoff. At worst, they will be comically bad displays of football that make us appreciate the structure and order that is the Nick Saban-coached Crimson Tide.

The early SEC game features Vanderbilt taking on Florida. In any normal year, this would be a rout in favor of the Gators, but Vandy has been showing some spunk under new coach James Franklin. Florida, meanwhile, has been awful ever since Alabama went to Gainesville and did everything short of stealing Charlie Weis’ secret stash of cookies.

Vanderbilt might have won last week against Arkansas, had it not been for a monumental choke job; much like when Charlie Weis stuffs his massive face full of the aforementioned cookies. It’s been enjoyable watching the insufferable Florida fans get a much-needed humbling. A loss to Vandy would remind them that no matter how hard they wish or do that stupid chomp clap, they are not college football royalty, and were basically peasants before 1990.

The afternoon slot brings us Oklahoma taking on Texas A&M, and Ole Miss playing Kentucky. The first of those could be worth tuning in to, in order to see Landry Jones and Ryan Broyles, both fine football players who will surely not be around next season.

Also of note is Oklahoma’s secondary, who have given themselves the nickname “the Sharks.” Now I am of the opinion that nicknames are earned, not chosen. Both Alabama and LSU fans should be able to watch this game with self-nicknamed Big X “defense” and think to themselves “awwwww, aren’t they cute.”  We know that real defenses need no nicknames.

The second game should give Bama fans with pent-up tension a chance to laugh. Ole Miss battling Kentucky is a complete pillow fight, and is the very definition of what I’m going to call a GM game, meaning that the only people who will watch this dreck are the Girlfriends and Mothers of the players involved. For additional comic relief, when Kentucky has the ball, try and keep track of how many plays the team would be better off if Morgan Newton simply fell down rather than actually attempt to execute a play.

Finally, we can probably catch the first quarter of the Arkansas game against South Carolina before the big boy contest starts. A good Spurrier sideline tantrum always puts a hop in my step, and could provide some last-minute juju before the Tide kicks off. Yes, it may be a less than stellar group of games, but what else are you going to do all day, exercise and yardwork?