Crimson Tide fans will be forgiven for thinking an Occupy Tuscaloosa event is happening this weekend, what with the rotten egg smell and unwashed masses gathering outside the stadium. Fear not, Bama Nation; it’s just the LSU fans that have come to watch their beloved Bayou Bengals get drowned.
They’re an unruly, obscene lot, and if you venture on campus this weekend, you’re gonna hear a lot of F-words. Don’t say we didn’t warn you; in fact, we’ll help you prepare by giving you a few choice bombs to drop on the Tigers, all after the jump.
Fans. There are so many reasons to hate LSU, it’s hard to settle on one. But in the interest of itemizing, we submit that LSU fans are the lousiest, most classless bunch of cretins in the conference. From drunken idiocy, to trashing their opponents’ campus, to just plain smelling all corndoggy, every Bama fan has a story to tell of the Tigers. Mark our words: this week, the Bayou Bengal fans will surely give us another reason to hate them, probably on national television.
Flopping. Over in those disease-ridden countries not called the US of A, football is a different sport. Scholars here refer to it as “soccer,” and it’s played actually using a ball and your foot. Commie pinko liberals intent on poisoning the minds of our kids have tried to import it into this God-fearin’ country with only minimal success. One aspect of the game LSU seems to have brought over in spades is the flop. By dropping all over the field like wounded pygmies, the Tiger players attempt to slow down an opponent’s momentum, and give themselves a chance to rest and regroup. It’s the sort of smarmy, cheap tactic that only losers and Eurotrash use, so it pretty well fits right into the Cajun culture.
Felines. Tigers. Really? We keep hearing about the rich and diverse culture of this swampy drainage pond of a port city, and yet with all the supposed diversity, their mascot is a Tiger? You’re not the only Tigers in the conference. Heck, you’re not the only Tigers in the division. Might as well just take a Bulldog, dress it up in a tiger outfit and call it the LSU Eagle. Now that would be original.
Fake weed. Raise your hand if you even knew there was a such thing as imitation ganga. Not only does it exist, but it’s apparently being toked at Marley levels in Death Valley. Everyone’s already made the joke about eating grass instead of smoking it, so we won’t jump on that (even though we just did by referencing it). Disciplinarian Les Miles acted swifty, suspending his faux-stoner players until he needed them for Alabama, and not a moment longer. Because nothing says Heisman campaign like the number one performance-enhancing drug, bogus skunk weed.