A Manifesto From The ZenMaster
“Nothing to see here … move along.”
There are delusional folks out there who think that winning is both easy and everything in life. We don’t believe that down here in the Loveliest Village on the Plains – where our trees may be dying, but our former football coaches are freshly pickled to last a lifetime!
Sure, mean ol’ Mike Slive’s “SEC Standings” might say our preposterously-young collection of five-star studs are just 1-5 in his corrupt league, but really … when you are playing against highly paid mercenaries like the ones at Bammer and Pigville (and Oxford, and Clemson, and Baton Rouge, and probably at Vandy this weekend, too), what do you expect?
Our beloved coach, Sir Frank Cheesenip, has these God-fearing boys playing their hearts out. Don’t believe me? Just ask the ballclub in Monroe, La., which threw their very best at our mighty Tigers only to be blown out 31-28 in overtime!
Anyway, Coach Cheesedip has Auburn playing their hearts out SO much that we can’t even throttle back when it isn’t Saturday afternoon. I mean, we hit so ferociously at practice (between Sno-Cone breaks …) that a bunch of those five-star blue-chippers are hurt by Tiger Walk time. And off the field? Look out! Our starting center has already established himself as a force at the local taverns, some of our notable former Tigers can only be contained by the dadburned penal system, and we won’t even discuss the kind of havoc our boys can wreak on the random pool party …
And it isn’t just mighty Coach CheezeIt that is working his magic. I mean, look at how whiz-bang WR coach/recruiting neutron star Trooper Taylor has his bunch waving their towels?!?
Coach Scott Loeffler has the offense clicking at such a high level that (former) starting QB/Cammy Cam 2.0 Kiehl Frazier is ranked in the Top 13 in SEC pass efficiency! And as a unit, Auburn is in the Top 14 for scoring offense in the SEC as well!
Let’s not even discount Coach Brian VanGorder (oh, what a glorious pornstache that gentleman has …) and his Tiger defense! Giving up a mere 416.7 yards per game and anchored by future Pro Football Hall of Famer Jake Holland, that unit is as adept at making shoestring arm-tackles against third-team mop-up offenses as anyone in the SEC!
Here’s the point in all this: Not only is the future bright at Auburn, the present is, too. We are buying (errr, I mean, recruiting) another batch of five-star blue-chippers to underdevelop starting this spring. Surely there is another once-in-a-lifetime freak of nature who swiped a laptop in between getting a zillion parking tickets just biding his time at a junior college waiting for us to donate (wink, wink) a truckload of cash to his dad’s church out there …
After all, we are Auburn. We are family. We are simply too cult-like and self-delusional to be ignored!
Weegle!
THE ZENMASTER
Contact The ZenMaster at ZenMaster@AuburnZen.com