BanditRef: RIP Derek Dooley

Reports from Rivals.com indicate that Derek Dooley was fired from the University of Tennessee today in his sleep.

Dooley was head coach of the Volunteers for two seasons, and one train wreck. He was the son of famed University of Georgia coach Vince Dooley and southern icon Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Dooley’s desire to be a Tennessee football coach was evident from a very young age, due to his constant interest in convicts and jail sentencing guidelines. Dooley was beloved by many in his local community. When asked to comment, local Knoxville resident James Lee James Jr. said, “I do be likin dem orange pants kause they be good for huntin’ and for scaring away hill cats when they try to carry off de chirens.”

Dooley had a very unimpressive (even by the standards set by the department of education and bible learning of Tennessee) 15-20 record. His 4-18 SEC record would be considered very impressive, had Tennessee taken the Sun Belt up on that membership offer.

We reached out to Dooley’s mentor and former boss Nick Saban, but he seemed to be in a less-than-agreeable mood today, and force-choked our reporter through the phone. We also tried to reach out to former UT coach Phillip Fulmer, but he has gotten his hand stuck in a jar of marshmallow fluff and is indisposed for the foreseeable future.

Dooley is survived by his wife Allison, three children, and an desperately disappointed and deeply depressed Vol nation. Derek Dooley is surely on to a better place … a position as a New York Jets special teams coach.

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