Auburn fans take their little creed very seriously. They all chant it together and will reference it as proof of thier moral superiority. “Never mind the gangs, robberies, drugs, paying players, cheating and lying; look at this little speech!”
Like everything else, with time the Auburn Creed has sadly become outdated. So I have written a new creed they can have free of charge. I think it more accurately resembles the place Auburn has become, and where they are headed. You’re welcome Auburn.
The Auburn Pledge
I pledge allegiance to the War Eagle Tiger Jesus of Auburn, and to the theocracy for which it stands, one school under Dye, easily divisible, with free money and grades for all who play football.
The Auburn Creed
I believe this is a practical world and I can count only on what I earn or is given to my dad’s church for playing football.
I believe in education, so long as it doesn’t interfere with one of our good players’ eligibility.
I believe in honesty and truthfulness, but keep in mind that snitches get stitches.
I believe in a sound mind, a sound body, and a sound spirit. I also believe in making that paper boo boo.
I believe in obedience to law … lol, naw y’all, we can’t say this one with a straight face.
I would believe in the tooth fairy but I’ve never had teeth.
I believe in the human touch, and I want you to touch that thang girl.
I believe in my country, whichever one this is; I don’t actually “attend” geography class.
I believe that I can live forever in 2010, and use it as an answer to any argument.
I believe in an arboreal lifestyle.
I believe that the main purpose of toilet paper is celebration. Why, what have you been using it for?
I believe in fambly, and if your cousin is hot it’s ok to marry her/him/goat.
I believe the moon landing was staged by the government, and Mike Slive is out to help Alabama.
I believe in Santa.
And because Auburn men, women, and cattle believe these things, I believe in Auburn and love it.
The Bandit Ref is the sports cartoonist, comic, and internet humorist persona of Charles Evans. Bandit is the editor of Fansided's most popular website with the word "buzz" in the title, Lightly Buzzed. Bandit has had his work featured on ESPN, and has done radio interviews in such exotic locations as Arizona and St. Louis. Bandit enjoys long walks on the beach and laughing at literally everything.