Auburn Football: Your Weekly Auburn Zen – Probation Edition

What a week for Auburn football. First came the news that the NCAA was investigating their football program for recruiting violations. Then came the 49-0 smackdown at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide. After that came the inevitable firing of head coach Gene Chizik. How are they handling all this bad news on the Auburn message boards? Let’s find out. As always, spelling and grammar errors are in the originals.

"Is this the rape help hotline? Please say yes."

"can we at least win an SEC game if we’re gonna cheat?"

"Maybe Chizik was our “double-secret probation” and we’re about to finish our sentence."

"Self-reported violation by a rogue booster that desperately wants Chizik and Jacobs out?"

"I hope I never see Chizik’s Lupers, Jacobs, or Troopers face ever again after Saturday. I will enjoy seeing them getting beatdown 50-0 after destroying our program. What did you expect when you hired a 5-19 coach to use as a puppet and to cheat to try to compete with Saban."

"Yep. I mean the Jovon Robinson stuff is not anything that will hurt us and if some PE teacher was giving a kid a ride to AU and shite like that, we are looking at nothing much, but probably won’t look great for Jacobs."

"And the DuBose comparison is almost complete. Remember, their NCAA investigation which ultimately developed into the Albert Means case picked up steam after he started losing. He was relieved of his duties and Dennis was hired before they even got their preliminary LOI. Of course now the question becomes, will concern over possible future NCAA punishment screw up the coaching search, just like it did for Bama. We’ll see."

"Even if it is bull look at the release time. We are fixing to start looking for a coach and this bomb hits. This cannot look good to a potential top notch canidate. They are out to totally destroy us."

"This is going to ruin our season."

"For real though. Some of you need to get your panties out of the wad. We will hire a big time coach. We most likely would have secondary violations, if anything. Calm down."

"why are they interviewing Bama players? Any chance Yeldon could get deemed ineligible?"

"The guys at Bama and their mediot henchmen are pretty smart. The guys running Auburn aren’t. I have always been of the opinion that Bama wants CGC gone for one primary reason… He can outrecruit Saban. If CGC survived, kept this class together, then had a successful season next year, Bama would find themselves in a very bad situation. Of course, Auburn and the pitchforkers will make sure that never happens."

"I could imagine there being worse. If we whiff on the bigger highers and had to choose among the lower tier coaches I would rather him."

"Just to expand a bit, I like Gus and think he is a great OC and may be a good to great HC one day. I just do not believe he is anywhere close to experienced, prepared or ready enough to do it at a top tier huge and complex program like AU yet, therefore I think it would be a total disaster."

"I’ve been told that the NCAA is looking into all players recruited by Smart since he has been at Bama. The person who told me this said he knew for a fact! Tifwiw."

"Seriously. Not to be a debbie downer but let’s be real. Chizik being gone won’t do shite. If we hired Saban himself, it would take his glorious arse at least three years to make us relevant again so it’s going to be YEARS before we’re competitive. frick Jay Jacobs with a dirty dick."

"Message to Reuben Foster (and other recruits) Bro, you have a chance to come to Auburn and be quickly considered for the greatest LB of all time. You will look like Brian fricking Urlacher when you take over Holland’s spot. Please, stay true to your commitment and help us get this thing turned around. Make sure you keep the other guys we really need on board. Can’t wait to see you in orange and blue."

"Dear Gene: You are the worst coach in Auburn football history (except in practice). Cam Newton is the only reason you are still here. Doug Barfield called and said you are fricking terrible. We will all smile when the good news of your firing comes. To even have a smile on your face before putting this shite product on the field shows how terrible you truly are. Can’t wait to forget you. To Jay Jacobs: Please fricking resign so we don’t have to show your stupid arse the door. I am so goddamn tired of all your stupid decisions and as long as you are employed at Auburn university, I will not spend a single penny to support you. You and your boy Tim Jackson would be great fits at USA. Please leave."

"Gene, You don’t deserve to chew gum. frick you. All you do is chew gum, look into the distance, and wear a windbreaker condom costume. You have done more to hurt Auburn than the Union Army, Bear Bryant, and Harvey Updyke combined. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

"Kevin Sumlin. We should give the NCAA the bird and get Johnny Football to follow him. Or better idea, toss $200,000 Manziel’s way and hope Sumlin transfers with him."

"What I don’t understand is why most of you guys expect us to make a home-run hire. The chances of that happening are very, very, very slim. I see some acting like Jimbo Fisher isn’t good enough… Are you fricking kidding me? What are we supposed to do? Lure Urban Meyer, Gary Patterson, Chris Peterson, Nick Saban, Les Miles, Will Muschamp, etc, away? It’s not happening. I would love to have Gary Patterson, but it’s not happening. The best options out there, that could realistically take the job, are Bobby Petrino and Jimbo Fisher."

"Basically the same team that went 8-5 last year is 10X worse this year. It’s so mind boggling. Nothing makes sense. I honestly think with the right coach we could maybe get to between 6-6 to 7-5"

"Ive heard rumors that Jim Tressel will be in consideration for the auburn job is this true"

"you guys bitch about every candidate to the point we will end up with Shawn Watson. I hope you frickers are sorry when we miss on everybody and end up with Dan Hawkins. I am going to say “Told ya so” when Malzahn drops 50 on us year after year."

"why would anybody rehire CBVG when the defense absolutely SUCKED. The offense didnt give up 87 points in the last two games and another 63 to TAMU. It was Van Gorders defense. He has a great reputation, but it damn sure didnt show up this year. And Im not talking about schemes. fundamentals like basic tackling and DB play were just terrible. Didnt look like they got coached for shite."

"If we get the type of coach we need (tough, no hugs)half of these guys will quit. Let me see who is on the roster in August."

"I would like to thank you for reminding me why next week is one of the few times in my entire life I will be rooting for bammer. The only thing that seperates the UGA fan base from being as trashy and idiotic as bammers is your lack of national championships. I for one will be hoping for it to remain that way"

"Personally I think we need to keep Trooper (I know, unpopular opinion). He is a great recruiter and the kids love him. I think with a hard arse as a head coach (like Petrino), Trooper is a great asset. It just doesn’t work when you have a nice guy head coach and a Trooper player’s coach type as well. Some balance is good, but the head man needs to be the one who instills discipline."

"I just realized Trooper Taylor looks like a black Guy Fieri."

"Like I have said before, If you think Auburn should bring in Petrino just to win football games, then you don’t know Auburn, at all."