BanditRef: Gus Malzahn and Aubren Kat Are BFF

Dear Aubren Faith full,

I so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I’m basically a Pointer Sister at dis point. Aubren finally got it’s man. Aubren Kat could not be happier about the hire of Gus Malzahn.

It is the start of a new era for Aubren. We have new head coach dat we had as offensive crazy guy last year. We have same Athletic Director. We have Pat Dye getting drunk in a corner. We have same group of boosters dat alredy used to Malzahn and know he will do wat dey say. We have same upstanding recruits and gang members dat know Malzahn, because he probably there when down payments were made. Aubren has a bold new direction and plan entitled: Operation Let’s Keep Doing The Same Thing And See If Something New Happens.

To be a coach at the University Polytechnic Institute for Women and Cattle at Aubren you have to be a special person. You have to have a fire and drive dat is unmatched. You have to love trees like your middle name is Lorax. You can’t be a snitch, cause snitches get stitches. You must understand that you aren’t just a secular football coach, but also head of a crazy religious organization that creates cults of personality for mediocre to poor coaches. Gus Malzahn knows all dis.

I so glad Aubren didn’t hire Kirby Smart. Did you know Kirby Smart thought he had a right to know what was going on in the NCAA investigations before he was hired? Dat would be like demanding a company who is going through bankruptcy show you da books before you became CEO. Dat is way too logical and well thought out for an Aubren man. Kirby Smart would have wanted to make Aubren suffer through one or maybe even two down years, while he cleaned things up and tried to create a system built for long term success. Dat just unbearable. Aubren wants to find a way to have massive short term success at de expense of our future. Why invest in a business when you can jus spend your whole paycheck on scratch off lottery tickets?

Bama fans may have evil dark overlord of footbaw time and space, but we Aubren fambly now have nearsighted Phil Hartman clone who coaches football like a 7 year old plays Xbox. I think we all know who da winner’s here be.

All my kisses I save for u,

Aubren Kat

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