You might has heard that Aubren has not got the top recruiting class in the nation dis year. Dis is o’course another lie perpetrated by the liberal media, Aubren has best recruiting class in history of college football, da NFL, and Major League Baseball.
Aubren’s class may only have like 4 guys in it, but they are the best 4 guys ever. They may be half the size of average college football players, but dat’s because Aubren is going to run a super fast Gus Bus special offense. Dey all good Aubren men, which is what we call people who pick Aubren. Because picking Aubren over other schools is a sign of character, don’t worry about doez past arrests.
I also very worried about Alabama having secret commits in our class though. Because we all know dat getting kids to fake commit to other schools totally happens, and would be a completely worthwhile use of the da time of a head coach. Nick Saban seems like the kind of guy who would jus sit around thinkin on ways to trick Aubren, he is shifty and has lots o time on his hands. Secret commits are real problem, like alien abductions and Sasquatch attacks. You won’t be laughing when a Squatch rips your arm off and then flips to bama jus to spite us.
Aubren Kat very excited about the NCAA deregulating some of der rules. Aubren Kat now have the freedom to tweet teenagers about how they are bad person if they don’t go to Aubren. Because Aubren Kat know dat many recruits make der life changing decision based on wat a stranger tweets to dem. And nothing says good rational fan base like cursing out 17 year olds on de internet.
Recruits can now get some necessities of life from non boosters too. Aubren Kat not a booster at all, so Aubren Kat has stack of iPhones to give to underprivileged recruits dat need iPhone. You know so they can communicate wit schools and play Angry Birds.
De new recruiting rules will allow all Aubren faithful to join in de recruiting process, because nothing says family like overbearing unwanted smothering attention.
Love in Gus,