INDIA-NIPPLEUS | Here at the AuburnZen World HQ (just off Wire Road, turn left at the big ol’ briar patch and proceed until you smell “it” …), we are mucho excited to have further infiltrated the Bammer Nation with our triumphant addition to this here website.
So much so that we figured, what the heck, let’s throw a suitcase of PBR on ice over the weekend and tune into the NFL Network to watch some former Bammers make fools out of themselves at the NFL Combine!
And sure enough, we weren’t disappointed.
First, Chance Warmack – accompanied by Chance Warmack’s Belly – seemingly left dents in the Lucas Oil Stadium turf en route to a scorching (and by scorching, we mean like a sundial under a magnifying glass on a brilliant Lee County day …) 5.49 40-yard dash time. While the paid-off talking heads at the NFLN praised Warmack and Warmack’s Belly for such an awesome time, they also digged at him by telling him that’ll be the last 40 he ever runs.
Until he is chased by the law, that is.
But our point is this: Warmack is fat, and Warmack’s Belly proves our point. Never since the preposterous posterior of First Lady Michelle Obama have we seen such an impressive accumulation of cellulite.
Now, onto “The Monstar” Jesse Williams.
Leading up to the Combine, talk among Bammer Nation was that Williams was going to Down Under-style smash the Combine record for 225-pound bench press repetitions — because he supposedly lifted a Volkswagen Bug filled with ZTAs in Scott Cochran’s evil Bammer lair last year.
Sure enough, though, Williams’ deeer-antler spray must have worn off or something, because instead of the 137 reps all the Bammers *thought* he would put up, Williams and his noodle arms only managed 30 reps.
But hey, at least THOSE two guys worked out at the Combine. Supposedly, Eddie Lacy has a hamstring issue and didn’t run. Dee Milliner was here but is waiting to the last minute to grace the field with his presence (huh, DB’s are scheduled that day?!?)
Hell, famed Awbarn tight end Phillip Lutzenkirchen HAD A HIP REPLACEMENT last week (the previous statement may or may not contain statements of fact) and still managed to run the gamut of Combine drills.
So suck it up, Bammer, and get ready for a massive amount of Failsauce dumped upon you come Draft Weekend. Those chumps that “chipped” themselves up their entire career are in for a rude awakening (not to be confused with a Rick Rude-style Rude Awakening) once they start playing for over-the-table money.
P.S.: Ear Wagle!