When Alabama Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban announced earlier this week that the four players who were recently arrested were no longer with the team, the usual jokes about oversigning and roster management were made.
By this point that meme is about as fresh as “Mark Richt has lost control of X”. Even Matt Hinton of CBSSports.com – a writer who I typically enjoy reading – went on a Twitter rant about how the brutal Saban used the arrests as a convenient part of his master plan to weed out underperforming players to make room for new five star recruits.
The time has come for the Red Elephant Club (that clandestine group of Alabama Illuminati who control the college football universe from a smoky back room somewhere in the Birmingham area) to pull back the curtain and share some of the most closely-guarded secrets about Nick Saban.
Why expose these secrets? Shouldn’t all information about the REC be kept confidential? Much like magicians Penn and Teller, who explain and demonstrate some of their tricks, sometimes it is better to let the audience in on the secret. It adds to the entertainment value and makes outsiders feel as they are a part of the club. So before the REC changes its mind and I am dragged before the high tribunal, allow me to divulge some little known facts about Nick Saban.
- To help with roster management, Nick Saban grinds the bones of injured players into a fine powder which is used to draw the chalk lines on the practice field.
- The Pope actually resigned because Nick Saban felt his homilies were not up to the Alabama standard and recruited a younger, five-star Cardinal to take over. The Conclave is merely for show, and only Saban and Mal Moore know who the next Pope will be.
- To convince players to sign with Alabama instead of rival schools, Saban takes them to the Tuscaloosa Chick-Fil-A on Sundays when it opens just for him.
- Dinosaurs did not actually go extinct millions of years ago, Nick Saban recruited them to another planet, where consequently he was accused of oversigning by other species.
- Approximately three months from now, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution will be driven into bankruptcy, be forced to cease operations, have its staff liquidated and its offices re-purposed into a distance learning annex for the University of Alabama because of the paper’s continuing insolence.