The word Tennessee evokes one response – hate. The mere thought of those orange clad hillpeople is enough to drive me into a frenzy of pure, blind hatred. There is simply nothing redeeming about those vile heathens of Knoxville and they are to be looked upon with nothing but scorn and disgust.
Normally I am not one who likes to see Alabama run the score up on opponents. I agree with Coach Saban that it is a better use of garbage time to get young players valuable experience than to risk injury to starters for the sake of style points. Against Tennessee however, I want the Tide to score so much that the famous 222-0 Georgia Tech record victory is in jeopardy. I want Alabama to go for two after every touchdown, then onside kick. I want the Crimson Tide’s margin of victory over those filthy Volunteers to be higher than Phil Fulmer’s cholesterol.
For such a strong feeling of hate I thought it appropriate to base this week’s cocktail around the one liquor that I hate almost as much as I hate Tennessee, Goldschlager. Even the smell of Goldschlager is enough to make me leave the room in a haste for fear of retching uncontrollably.
To give some context about my disdain for the cinnamon flavored spirit, my first encounter with that poison found me crawling around the balcony of Friedman Hall in Tuscaloosa, not caring if I fell since perhaps death would be a sweet release from the violent spinning and pounding sensations I was feeling. I remember that night much the same way as I remember Peyton Manning climbing a ladder in hallowed Bryant-Denny Stadium and leading Tennessee’s band in that awful song, which I will not dignify with a name.
I have decided that to truly and properly hate Tennessee I have to face my nemesis and drink a Goldschlager cocktail. The following concoction is something I call Liquid Hate.
- 2 oz Goldshlager
- 1 oz Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
- 4-6 oz hot apple cider
- cinnamon stick
- Heat the apple cider in a pot on the stove while trying to work up the courage to open the bottle of Goldschlager
- Once heated, pour the cider into a glass and tell yourself that you are a big, tough man who can make it through this
- Add the Captain Morgan to the cider and say a silent prayer
- Open the bottle of Goldshlager
- Actually open the bottle this time Nancy-boy
- Add the Goldschalger while attempting not to weep
- Stir with a cinnamon stick
To truly love our Crimson Tide we must hate another team. As much as Auburn would like to be that Yang to our Yin, Tennessee is the team that we will forever despise. If I can force myself to drink Goldschlager then surely the Tide can embarrass those filthy, vile hillpeople. Enjoy responsibly and Roll Tide.