Hater’s Guide: The Bye Week

Don’t wait for gameday to hate. – Birmingham News

So Alabama’s not playing this weekend, and you won’t get to drink, puke and hate on whatever poor souls are lined up get clobbered by the Tide. Off weekends are the bane of a fan’s existence; time to do chores and go purse shopping with the wifey. But an off-week for the team doesn’t mean it’s an off-week for you. Here’s a few helpful suggestions on how to keep it real during Bye Week.


Wear the colors. No game? No problem. Suit up as if it were Rivalry Week, and march into the local Wal-Mart like you’re the zombified corpse of ol’ Sam himself. Wave proudly at the guy wearing his pitiful, Cheeto-stained Carnell Williams jersey so he knows the bell cow is in the house. If you live outside the Alabama borders, even better. Nothing says hate like walking into a sporting goods store in Seattle or Dallas decked out in crimson, and asking the clerk where his BCS Championship t-shirts are located.

Watch the games. Sure, there’s no Tide on the tube, but strange as it may sound, other schools have football clubs too. All caught up on your DVRed reruns of The Three Stooges and Chico and the Man? Flip it over to whatever station is showing the PAC-12 game, and laugh along as the announcers try to pretend the neon-plaid uniforms are awesome, and that their offensive line (average weight 205 pounds) is a juggernaut.

Talk the talk. Work Alabama football into conversation in the most strained ways possible. Shopping for apples at the local Publix? They’re as crimson as the Tide. Having your oil changed? That Quaker State is flowing like the Tide will over LSU next week. Shopping with the spouse? Remind them loudly that you have to buy detergent. And you know which brand it needs to be.

Broadcast the message. Who doesn’t love being forced to listen to the beautiful music coming from the next car over at the traffic light? Have Yea Alabama on deck in your CD player or iPod, and if you happen to chase an Aubie through six blocks of traffic and find yourself pulled up next to them at the light, crank it up loud. Keep the windows up, so it’s not readily apparent you’re taunting them, and ignore all honks and waves. Just cool out in your car, smiling serenely as the greatest song ever written drowns out their Justin Beiber CD.

Live in the past. If you’re a fan at all, you have a vast library of great Alabama games on DVD. Fire up those greatest hits and enjoy them like it’s the first time. Yell at the opposing players, argue botched calls and celebrate a touchdown like you’ve never been in the end zone before. For bonus fun, grab your significant other by the arm, drag them into the room and point at the screen, demanding they watch Shaud Williams take the smoke draw right through the Arkansas line and head for paydirt. Just like he did the other 26 times you made her watch it.

Topics: Alabama Crimson Tide, Football

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