Why I Hate: An Iron Bowl Manifesto


I hate Auburn. I have always hated Auburn. I will always hate Auburn. Every once in a while another fanbase may try and seize the mantle of obnoxiousness; Florida fans certainly made a strong run over the past few years. But the barners always take the cake.

While no piece of writing short of a 25,000 word epic could truly encapsulate just how much and why I hate those filthy denizens of Greater Opelika, I will try to outline my loathing of all things Auburn.

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Cheating.  The past fifty-odd years have produced two tainted national championships for Auburn, but seven instances of major NCAA infractions. Auburn was suspended from bowl appearances in 1953 and 1957 for paying players, and they were cited for other violations in 1955 and 1958. In 1979 an additional two years of probation came to the Plains, for a laundry list of violations including improper recruiting and extra benefits.

In 1993 new coach Terry Bowden was caught on tape discussing booster payments to players during the ’90s. This dovetails with the 60 Minutes interview with former player Eric Ramsey, who named Pat Dye and Bobby Lowder as sources of illicit funds. Bobby Lowder would go on to run Colonial Bank into the ground.

In 2004 Auburn was placed on five years probation, with Lowder again named, but this time the charges were of an academic nature. A professor was creating fake sociology classes and majors for football players. Five years later brings us to 2009, about the time when Auburn was recruiting Cam Newton. I’ll let the readers decide if that is merely coincidental.

How Auburn University continues to function as a football playing member of the SEC and NCAA is truly mind boggling. They have willfully and blatantly cheated for decades, and only an NCAA pissing contest with Danny Sheridan prevented the Newton affair from landing Auburn their 8th instance of major probation which would tie them with SMU.

Dishonesty.  Tying in with the cheating factor is the disturbing pattern Auburn displays when it comes to telling the truth. Pat Dye  gives a wink-wink nudge-nudge answer when asked if he paid players, and Cam Newton flashes his fake, $180K smile whenever the cameras are around. Why can’t these men simply tell the truth?

Even on minor issues Auburn has a problem being straightforward. Last year Auburn told the media that Cecil Newton would not be attending the BCS National Championship Game, yet when the clock hit 0:00 we see Cam and Cecil celebrating together. Auburn is simply incapable of being truthful.

Tradition.  Let’s compare Alabama and Auburn when it comes to tradition. When you think of Alabama, you think of great coaches such as Wade, Thomas, Bryant, Stallings and Saban. You think of legendary players, SEC championships and National Championships. You think of leaders and upstanding men, both on and off the field. What is the Auburn tradition? Probation, cheating and throwing toilet paper in trees. For most people, TPing trees is a middle school prank. For the Auburn faithful, it is their most cherished and storied “tradition.”

Fans. Auburn fans are a delusional, whiny, mean-spirited and cult-like group. They take more pleasure in an Alabama loss than they do in an Auburn victory. The Iron Bowl is their entire season, and for some of them their entire existence. For Alabama, the Iron Bowl is a chance to stomp on little brother, then move on to the next step in the process, since there are bigger fish to fry.

Currently the barners are in full-on meltdown mode over the prospect of Alabama playing for the National Title without winning the conference championship. They cannot understand that both humans and computers determine the No. 1 and No. 2 ranked teams in the BCS, and are grasping at straws to keep themselves from going insane. You would think that they would be used to seeing Alabama compete for national championships by now and would know how to deal with it.

While nobody actually condones the Harvey Updyke tree poisoning at Toomer’s Corner, the reaction of the Auburn fans was completely over the top and unwarranted. They are freaking trees, and those idiots have been slowly killing them for years thanks to their toilet paper ritual. Therefore I don’t feel bad about making tree jokes. In fact I have an order in for some Toomer’s oak firewood.

Coaches.  Auburn’s current coaching staff includes Gene Chizik and Trooper Taylor. Why was Gene Chizik, a coach with a 5-19 record a Iowa State hired? Simple, he was brought in to be a yes man for the Lowder/Dye/Jacobs regime, somebody who wouldn’t ask too many questions and do what he was told. Trooper Taylor is a towel waving jackass. He has turned shady recruiting practices into an art form and left a trail of snake oil sales and looming NCAA investigations from Texas to Florida. It’s only a matter of time before the current coaching staff lands Auburn on probation again, or as they call it, home sweet home.

Dirty Play. They don’t call Auburn “Chop Block U” for nothing. The barn is notorious for illegal chop blocks that injure opposing players. In recent years LSU, Georgia, Clemson, Tennessee and Alabama have been on the receiving end of barner chop blocks. Put it this way, when your two most recent coaches have to give the “we don’t teach it” speech to the media, you teach it.

Mascots.  They’re the Eagles, no they’re the Tigers, no wait they’re the War Eagles, make that the War Damn Eagles. Pick a mascot and go with it Auburn, and stop pretending you’re on Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures. Does anyone know what in the blue hell those idiots mean when they shout that stupid phrase anyway? Also, “track ‘em tigers” might be the absolute dumbest thing I have ever heard and we are all dumber for having to hear those idiots spout their insipid battle cries.

The depths of my hatred for Auburn truly know no bounds.  I hope my beloved Crimson Tide hangs 50 on them this Saturday, then puts Philip Sims in at halftime to get it up into the seventies. Then I hope Auburn is given the death penalty since it is decades overdue.  Roll Tide.

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