BanditRef: Aubren Kat’s Coaching Search
Hai faithful fambly,
Aubren Kat hopes you enjoyed your weekend of victoryz. Because we finally beat Alabama, and by “we” I mean another team that has nothing to do with Aubren. But that doesn’t matter, we haz earned the right to be smug with our vicarious moral victoryz. Alabama has now lost 7 games in the past 5 years, and we have lost 8 this year, our records are practically identical! So be sure to use good ole 28-27 a lot this weekz, it won’t sound sad or impotent at all, I promise.
Aubren got bested by Georgia in a close game. Sure the score may not have been close in the end, but if not for all those Georgia touchdowns we would have won! Aubren Kat know this was a sure sign of improvement by our team. Now that our team has seen how Alabama is weak, we will surely use dis knowledge to formulate a brilliant game plan. Aubren Kat believes Aubren beats Alabama morally, and keeps it close non-morally losing by only 6 or 7 touchdowns.
Aubren Kat notice many Aubren students left the Georgia game early. Aubren Kat realizes they have high commitment to academics, and want to rush home to study. After all, it take a lot of hard work to become a veterinarian, farmer, or oil change specialist. But you’d think the students would be willing to give up on night of studying, or standing in a pasture looking at a keg, to support this ragtag group of misfits we call Aubren footballz team. Aubren Kat is faithful supporter, I stay till bitter end to boo team and wear bag on head, like a real fan.
Aubren Kat know that speculation is running rampant about who Aubren’s new coach will be. (If we decide that Jesus wants us to fire Gene Chizik.) Aubren Kat is running down the options laid out by the Aubren fan base and rating their worth:
Jon Gruden – 4 Stars – I haz a source that says Gruden desperately wants to coach Aubren. All the brilliant ESPN analyst say Gruden is going to make such a great college coach. I mean sure it’s been 20 years since he coached in college, and he has never been a head college coach. But I haz confidence in him and believe he will be great, knowing nothing about the NFL didn’t stop Steve Spurrier.
Nick Saban – 2 Stars – I haz a source that says Saban desperately wants to coach at Aubren. We could just throw a ton of Daddy Lowder’s moneyz at Saban and he would come to Aubren, cause all he cares about are moneyz. But do we really want Bama’s sloppy seconds? No, we better dan dat. Besides Nick Saban doesn’t have enough character to be a true Aubren man, like Cecil Newton.
Cecil Newton – 1 Star – I haz a source that says Cecil Newton desperately wants to coach at Aubren. Cecil doesn’t know much about football but we did already pay him $180,000, so it would be nice to get more dan just one year of work for that kinda moneyz.
Houston Nutt – 5 Stars – I haz a source that says Nutt desperately wants to coach at Aubren. Houston Nutt is outstanding coach who really knows da SEC West. He also has da nickname of the “Right Reverend Nutt.” He has religion and he is nuts, sounds like da perfect Aubren coach to meh.
Bobby Petrino – 4 Stars – I haz a source that says Petrino desperately wants to coach at Aubren. A lot of folks say Bobby Petrino is Aubren’s first choice, and that is just silly. Bobby Petrino is only Aubren’s first choice if Aubren gets him. If Aubren doesn’t get Petrino, den it’s because he doesn’t have da morals to be an Aubren coach.
Bill Belichick – 3 Stars – I haz a source that says Belicheck desperately wants to coach at Aubren. In the words of Bostonians “Gawd, you must be wicked crazy if you think ole Beli don’t want that wicked coaching gig at Auburn.” Aubren Kat asks who wouldn’t leave an NFL dynasty for the train wreck on the plains?
Chris Peterson – 4 Stars – I haz a source that says Peterson desperately wants to coach at Aubren. Every school in college football has tried and failed to convince Peterson to leave Boise State, but those schools aren’t Aubren. We can offer something no other school can, cows.
Chip Kelly – 1 Star – I haz a source that says Kelly desperately wants to coach at Aubren. Chip Kelly is getting offers from every school with an opening, and NFL teams, but I am sure his heart is truly at Aubren. Aubren Kat haz to wonder though if we should hire a coach who has already lost to Gene Chizik?
Tommy Tuberville – 4 Stars – I haz a source that says Tubberville desperately wants to coach at Aubren … again. Tommy Tuberville beat Alabama 6 times in a row, then had a couple less than perfect seasons, so we fired him. Then we hired Gene Chizik who has run our program into the ground. If I ever see Jay Jacobs I am going to treat him like Tubs treats assistant coaches, and show him the back of my pimp hand.
Pat Dye – 1,000 Stars – I haz a source that says Dye desperately wants to coach at Aubren … again. Who better to lead us than the man who leads us. Since Pat Dye’s drunken decisions play a part in our futurez anyway we may as well let them count for everything. Pat Dye is the greatest coach evers, he won Aubren many many championships in his alcohol addled mind, and if we had let him keep coaching, he would have won many in reality too.
Shawn Watson – 1 Billion Stars – I haz a source that says Watson desperately wants to coach at Aubren – Watson is the ultimate Aubren coaching choice. He isn’t the head coach, but he is the assistant on a very successful team. Watson’s own head coaching record is abysmal. Most importantly, there is no way he will say no, and if none of these totally realistic options say yes, we can say he was our guy all along.
Just remember, whoever we hire is going to be exactly who we wanted.
Keep da faiths,
Aubren Kat