There’s NO greater athletic department in the country than Auburn!*
“We want a winner, not a looser!”
We have seen quite a bit of disturbing posts online from several folks claiming to be “Auburn men”, ripping this coach and that athletic department member for the level of success our programs are experiencing right now.
To that, we say this: y’all are idiots that need to review The Auburn Creed Screed.
Say “CHEEZE”!
First off, we have perhaps the finest God-fearing, All-In football program in America.* Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit guided our men from the shadows of that Evil Empire Down The Road to the 2010 National By-Pat Dye Championship with cunning, guile and competitive spirit. Not to mention an “anonymous tithe” to the church of a certain man-child quarterback …
Those same supposed “Auburn men” would tell you that 2010 was a one-man freak show, that Cheezeit can’t coach his way out of his own Under Armour dentist smock, that he is as “All In” as those NTYF slush funds to players will allow. What they don’t see are the day-to-day challenges Cheezeit must overcome just to get our Weegles to the field in the first place. I mean, between Troop-and-Loop recruiting handcuffs and boozing past-and-present centers and curfew-challenged athletes, well, our two glorious victories in 2012 should be worth three or four times as much!
Barbie, minus Ken!
Let’s move to basketball. You idjits who wouldn’t know your way between a pick-and-roll and picking your own nose might claim that Tony Barbie has grossly underachieved, and has our beloved Weegle cagers in an abyss too deep to dig out of.
To that we say, War Morons!* Barbie’s Boyz are still learning how to find their way from their palatial locker room to the floor at the new Auburn Arena on a consistent basis — a task they had mastered at Beard-Eaves. And when you factor in new rims and a new shooting backdrop that doesn’t include a curtain, well …
The Barbie Bunch will be JUST FINE, trust us. We
bought
recruited some young talent that will
flunk out
pan out any time now, and you better believe our loyal fans will FLOCK to Auburn Arena on Feb. 6 when we celebrate both a No. 1 football recruiting class AND a glorious Iron Bowl victory when the filthy Bammers come to town!
The man behind the curtain …
Let’s address our administration for a second, because some of you mouth-breathers seem to think that lifelong Auburn man Jay Jacobs is the root of our current issues.
Y’all would be wrong*.
Jacobs, as we said about Cheezeit, is as God-fearing as they come. He lives the Auburn Creed Screed, and leaves no stone unturned in giving us the best Weegle sports programs we can hope for.
I mean, how many swimming national championships do y’all want? How many pennants do we need at Plainsman Park? How many equestrian All-Americans and victories over the No. 1 horses does one school need?
And, really, do you want Coach Patrick Fain MF Dye with his nose EVEN MORE in the process than he already has it? Because Jacobs isn’t at the helm daily, that cranky drunk bastard pretty much has free reign …
* – These statements are fueled largely by pure hope, irrational half-logic and grain alcohol.
Contact The ZenMaster at ZenMaster@AuburnZen.com. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook!