Sometimes a school rises above the rest in such a powerful and unassailable way that no one can question their dominance. Right now in college football that school is Alabama, but in the world of bad college music videos Auburn has taken a commanding lead.
Let me introduce you to Donica (not a typo, it’s Donica not Danica) Knight an aspiring female Toby Keith that loves her some Auburn.
Warning: before you watch this video please makes sure you aren’t pregnant and don’t have a heart condition because it’s about to get hyped as hell up in here.
Wow, I know, I know, I know how you feel dude. It’s a lot to take in at once, if you feel like you need to watch that redneck Rigoletto again feel free, I’ll be here when you get back.
Let’s talk about this incredible miracle of Youtube goodness that has magically unfolded before our eyes like a inbred unicorn giving birth to a toothless NASCAR-loving leprechaun.
We will try to process this step by step together:
0:01 Right off the bat we are greeted with a sweeping scene of Auburn fans celebrating a victory. So either this picture is two years old, or this is a victory celebration over Alabama A&M.
0:07 The sounds of the crowd chanting “Auburn… Tigers…” let you know that this music video will be college themed… and embarrassing.
0:11 We watch the confidant silhouette of Gus Malzhan stride out into an empty Jordan Hare stadium. The emptiness represents the emptiness in Gene Chizik’s heart. Et Tu Malzhan?
0:14 That whistle lets you know it’s about to get cray cray up in this joint!
0:31 We finally see Donica and… that’s a dude right?
0:42 Donica is wearing an Auburn Jersey that’s a cut off, jorts, cowboy boots, and the gaudiest fake jewelry that K-mart sells; pretty standard dress for a woman at Auburn.
0:53 Donica is hunching over and throwing imaginary gang signs.
0:56 Most of these clips are from games that Auburn lost, badly.
1:01 “All family, all large, all in…” all embarrassed by this.
1:17 CAM NEWTON SIGHTING Y’ALL.
1:23 Donica is directly addressing Bo Jackson, let’s see if he replies.
1:29 The saddest group of random dancers ever featured in a bad college music video: chubby kid on the left, two bros with no shoes holding freebees, and a woman with a baby = AUBURN Y’ALL!
1:34 Donica poses with some T-1000 liquid terminators.
1:46 The woman in tiger paint is on acid.
1:55 Hey remember 2010? I miss 2010, do you miss 2010?
2:01 Deal with it.
2:04 Donica’s “singing” style sounds a lot like talking with music behind it.
2:10 It’s suddenly a Sonic commercial.
2:35 COMMENCE TO JIGGLIN’
2:50 Why does Donica keep looking off to the right during this video? Does she have cue cards?
3:10 I wonder if Donica is post-op or pre-op?
3:16 I don’t think you’re supposed to climb on that.
3:31 Donica triumphantly walks back in to the tunnel holding a helmet, her work here is done.
The best part of this whole video? It’s hosted by the Auburn Athletics YouTube channel, which means AUBURN WANTED THIS, THEY ENCOURAGED THIS. Being last in the west in football, basketball, and baseball wasn’t enough for you Auburn? I’m starting to think that no one hates the Auburn fan base more than the Auburn athletic department.