Getting to Know the Florida Gators

So football is to be played tomorrow in Tuscaloosa. This school called Florida is coming to town and will try to best the Tide.

That’s ridiculous. Especially since we don’t even know much about Florida. I mean this is a school that invented Gatorade because their players were too exhausted running around the field wearing jorts. They couldn’t beat anyone by drinking only water. Which is flabbergasting since Adam Sandler proved that wrong in his stunning documentary called The Waterboy.

They’ve come a long way. Considering this is the modern day season ticket holder. Proud of them for wearing these things called clothes.

Okay I promise no more pics. You know it’s like a Jeff Driskel pass. It’s horrible but you just can’t look away. Or is it called a train wreck? No wait that’s Will Muschamp’s time in Gainesville. My mistake.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on their past. Let’s talk about their team right now, which Florida fans may not want to do. Muschamp’s seat is hotter than a car with  black leather interior sitting out on an Alabama August all day. It’s hot.

Now there has been a bit more optimism this year, but I’m not totally sure where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s because Florida was able to score 40+ points for once against that oh-so-vaunted Eastern Michigan defense. A nice dose of reality came after last weekend’s three-overtime thriller against SEC football power Kentucky.

Maybe they were looking ahead; that can be a valid excuse. But that makes you believe Florida is actually confident winning tomorrow. That’s silly, Nick Saban has a secret weapon. Saban has been talking to Willie Fritz, the Georgia Southern Head Coach, on how to defeat the Florida Gators.

That’s right everyone, this game is in the bag. Such trick plays include running the ball every down and a jedi mind trick that makes Florida players tackle each other. So with that being said, here are some other helpful notes on the Florida Gators.

Tim Tebow will be in Tuscaloosa

However he will not be playing. Which is weird considering that’s all Florida fans talk about when you bring up their football program. Oh the glory days. Just a few years ago but seem such a distant memory. Also if no one has a big blow up of Tebow crying during their show tomorrow then you’re not bammering hard enough. Yes bammering is a word.

Betting lines

Google tells me that Sean Maguire is the starting QB for Florida State in the first half against Clemson. Here’s the bet. Who ends up with more passing yards. Google boy in one half or Jeff Driskel for the entire game? It has been said that Driskel tried to skip a rock once but still couldn’t hit water.

Florida actually brings value to the SEC

Despite not actually being southern anymore, Florida has done pretty well in the SEC. In fact, you could probably argue they’ve been the most successful school after Alabama these past few years. Winning in other sports that’s not football obviously. However, that SEC logo is on loosely down there . I mean have you been to Florida lately? Was I even in America the last time I was traveling the area? It’s a recruiting hot bed for socks and sandals combos and the overuse of Axe body spray by the teenagers that work at their Wal Marts. Their fine establishment list includes Chili’s now. I would know because apparently you have to make reservations there on a Thursday night. Do you know how odd it is to have a candle light dinner over some jalapeño poppers? Is that even Chili’s? Moving along.

They clap weird

Look, if they want to look like Gary Busey on LSD after a score that’s fine. But the gator chomp is the international sign for if a monkey was a taxi driver and he asks for a tip. Seriously do the gator chomp right now wherever you are and tell me you can’t picture that. Done embarrassing yourself in public? Good.

Fouth grade-level jokes that I found on Facebook

So a preacher, a murderer and a racist walk into a bar. Oh wait that’s just the Florida football team.

Why did the Gator cross the road? Because it’s easier than crossing the goal line.

Why can’t Will Muschamp go on the internet? Because he can’t put 3 w’s together.

Prediction time

The Alabama defense has not intercepted a pass yet. This will change. Actually, it’s going to happen twice. For Alabama is this is an extremely good match up. Our defense still needs work so we’re going up against our scout team err I mean the Florida offense on Saturday. Offensively, Sims may struggle passing the ball on their actually not that bad secondary. Which is exactly why we have a trio of running backs that can make a defender burst into tears after a Yeldon cutback or when Henry lowers his shoulder.

Alabama- Verne Lundquist saying “WOW! what a move!”

Florida-10