Things Your Auburn Family Member Will Say This Holiday Season
Here is our guide on how to survive holiday season gatherings with your Auburn family members.
It’s that special time of year when we get together with family to celebrate everything we are thankful for… unfortunately, some member of your family might be thankful to be an Auburn fan. So how do you prepare for a thanksgiving dinner with someone who wears blue and orange? Well don’t worry, we are here to help.
Knowledge is power, and maybe if you are ready for the full barn press you can manage to navigate a civil dinner even with the most heinous members of the Auburn faumbly.
Here are the things you’ll hear from your Auburn relatives at Thanksgiving dinner this year:
“1 second”
This one is obvious, of course Auburn fans are going to talk about their “kick six”, it’s all they really have. The best strategy for this one is just to ignore it. Don’t engage them. I know it’s hard to ignore the irony of a fanbase that claims that Alabama fans live in the past while living off one play from 2013, but the best move is just to pretend you didn’t hear it. You’re never going to get an Auburn fan to understand that no one cares who won the Iron Bowl three years ago when there’s an all new Iron Bowl on Saturday, they just aren’t that smart. If you don’t want to just ignore it maybe just start bringing up other cool things from 2013 like Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” or Kim and Kanye’s first baby.
“Bruce Pearl”
Auburn fans seem to think that because Bruce Pearl did well at Tennessee (by cheating) that he’s going to do well at Auburn. They might be right, Bruce Pearl is a good basketball coach. The problem is that Alabama isn’t a basketball state, and no matter how bad Auburn gets at football it’s not going to be able to turn Alabama into Kentucky. The strategy here is to remind them that Bruce Pearl lost to Alabama both times he played them last year, when Anthony Grant was our coach, oh and they lost in all other revenue sports too. You might also mention that Alabama has a top 5 basketball recruiting class right now…
“Alabama fans care about football too much”
This is an Auburn fan classic. Whenever Auburn starts to tank, Auburn fans start to turn their attention to academics and world events. The crazy Barner that spent the preseason explaining how Jeremy Johnson was a Heisman lock is suddenly offended that you talk about football. After all, how could you talk about football with all the terrorism in the world? It’s not just that Auburn fans suddenly don’t care about football, it’s that the rabid orange and blue wearing fool who was ready to book a flight to Glendale for the national championship in August now acts like your interest in this weekend’s game makes you a fool. The best way to handle this one is probably to ask if they are going to buy tickets to the Birmingham Bowl.
“Next Year…”
Ah yes, the “next year” maneuver. Here’s one that your Auburn family member and your Tennessee family member can bond about. You know how Tennessee fans have been talking about how we need to look out of them next year for the past nine years? Auburn fans are rallying to that flag. This is the perfect argument for them because then they can live in their wild little dreams about how great they will be next year and which players will win Heisman trophies, just like they did this past preseason. There’s nothing an Auburn fan likes more than thinking about what could happen in the future. The best strategy in dealing with “next year…” is simply to say “dream all you want, but next year you’ll probably be sitting here telling me to watch out for 2017.”
“Saban is going to Texas”
Nick Saban isn’t going to Texas. If Nick Saban wanted to go to Texas he would have done it by now. He’s had every opportunity and has never done it. Alabama will pay Saban whatever they need to to keep him in Tuscaloosa and we all know that. The best way to deal with an Auburn fan who is explaining that the second cousin of a guy he works with’s uncle knows Mrs. Terry and they are moving this year is to remind him that he said the same thing in 2013 and Nick Saban didn’t go anywhere. If Nick Saban stays at Alabama and dies at his desk at 100, Auburn and LSU fans are going to yell “WE TOLD YOU HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE” the next day. Maybe ask this loyal faumbly member why Gus Malzahn (who said he’d never lose to Alabama!) keeps losing to Alabama? Maybe ask him why Gus Malzhan, who they claimed was better than Saban, can’t seem to win SEC games? Auburn fans really shouldn’t be throwing coaching stones this season. This one is also fun because it’s basically them admitting that they can’t beat Nick Saban.
“Ole Miss”
This is the last resort of the absolute bottom of the barrel Auburn fans. How far have you fallen if you want to live vicariously through Ole Miss?
Here is the perfect example:
I know War Blogle is a moron, but the “Did I say anything about Auburn?” is peak barnin’ son. This fool hashtagged his tweet with #auburn then was shocked to get called out on Auburn’s record. Living vicariously through Ole Miss has to earn a “bless your heart.” If you aren’t a “bless your heart” person may I suggest an “aww, that’s precious”?
“Classy”
#BanClassy because “classy” is the worst of the worst. Classy is just code for “I’m a stick in the mud who can’t take a joke and my team is bad and I’m butthurt, so I want to try to be morally superior to make myself feel better”. If you open your mouth and say classy about a football game then you are taking the football game too seriously. It’s a game. The way to handle classy fans is to suggest they try out some more classy games like badminton or “being a prissy jackass who drinks tea and holds their nose in the air”… is that a game? Maybe they should make a game out of that?
Anything Can Happen In The Iron Bowl
No it can’t, Vegas has you losing by two TD’s. Idaho and Jacksonville State had more yards than you, your Heisman lock QB can only complete passes to the defense, and Will Muschamp is Will Muschamp. You’re not going to win this year, now be a man and accept it.
Maybe Auburn fans should learn from President Bartlet?
Either that or they can just talk about their new big video board! IT’S A BIG TV IN A STADIUM Y’ALL!
Next: Kirby Smart to South Carolina?
It’s never easy dealing with the deranged troglodytes of Auburn during the holidays, but just try to remember that every family has one. Have a great holiday!