If you are planning a road trip to the Iron Bowl, there are a few things you should know about the customs in Lee county that will help you along the way. You may find these 10 hints useful as you try to understand the often strange habits you will observe.
•Auburn is located in Lee County. You can locate it on a map right above Alabama’s nubbin, Russell County.
• If you are traveling to Lee County from a real city, you can find it along I-85 or Hwy 280. There are very few turns along the way, which is important for the mobile home delivery industry.
• Auburn is Alabama’s agricultural college. They are very good at veterinary medicine, despite being unable to distinguish between birds and large striped cats (see photo).
• Auburn is located in an area locals affectionately call “the plains.” For most visitors, this means there are no coasts or scenic mountains to enjoy. However, locals settled in the flatlands area because it was easier to see their cows from great distances – which is equally important for both dairy production and dating.
• You may find local culture interesting, but the people of the plains are very curious about you as well. If a barner, as they are called, finds out that you are an Alabama graduate, they are likely to stare at you for long periods of time and subtly mimic your actions – somewhat like a younger sibling. This is harmless and is usually accompanied by mouth-breathing.
• Auburn folklore suggests that only Auburn graduates are Auburn fans. While we know this is not true, despite their small fan base, it can be a fun game for the kids to count “graduates” in mobile homes and Wal-Mart sweat suits as you drive through rural Alabama. If you really want to fit in, you too can become an Auburn graduate in Sociology with a fill-up at the Opelika Zippy Mart. Congrats! The world is your oyster.
• Auburn is known, to locals only, as the Loveliest Village on the Plains. It is an attractive southern town and, also, the only village on the plains – thus winning the moniker by default.
• Traffic may be a mess after the game as the only two roads are likely to be crowded. Feel free to stop into a local restaurant and have dinner or a beverage. People from other cultures are welcome to enjoy a beverage in nearby Opelika.
• Although most barners profess to be Christians, many also worship foliage and ritually smother local trees with toilet paper while chanting mantras about their animal confusion (see point one). This ritual is infrequent and you will not likely get a chance to see it during your visit.
• Like most cults, barners will try to recruit you into their sect by comparing their customs to your traditions, re-writing history, and seeking your acceptance. When a barner tries to talk to you about their “traditions” the best response is to say “that’s cute” and walk away.
Since there is no internet in Auburn, feel free to print this field guide to carry with you on your journey. Enjoy your trip and take plenty of pictures.