Hater’s Guide: Don’t give A $#!X About Honey Badger

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I’m not a violent person. Well, I am, but only in my head. Despite the wishes of my family, I’m not the kind of person who holds back when it comes to expressing my desires to hurt people out loud. Usually, the violence is merely empty threats. When it comes to Tyrann Mathieu, however, I feel differently.

When I see those golden flecks of hair on his head as he grins cockily on the sidelines, or when his seemingly precious hands grip the facemask of another player in order to bring them down, I truly believe I could jump on the field and an enraged beast would manifest itself, ready to pounce.  Oh, I may be a girl, but I would love nothing more than to put on pads and a helmet and do my absolute best to run over the “honey badger” with all my might.

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Obviously, I am biased when it comes to the Heisman race. I think Trent Richardson is a beast, and anyone that can gain yards with two entire teams piled on his back gets my vote. I have decided though, that if Luck or RGIII win I will be fine. Though I know Mathieu won’t – or at least shouldn’t – win this year, the fact that he is a finalist makes me cringe.

The Heisman winner is deemed the “most outstanding player in collegiate football.”  Though talented, I don’t think Mathieu meets this standard. It’s not his ability though that makes me question his place on the list, it’s his character.

I know that there is no technical merit to the character argument for a Heisman winner. If that were the case, Cam Newton wouldn’t have won. However, I don’t think someone should be considered the best in college football if they stoop to dirty tactics on the field and they don’t show at least some degree of humility.

Matheiu is a good – not great – player. But his discipline issues seem a reflection of his team. Saban seems to have a better grasp on his player discipline than Miles, and the contrast in Matheiu and Richardson is the best example of that.  In fact, it seems that bad behavior is encouraged on the LSU team.

A rival fan would be perfectly justified in saying I sound bitter; I am. But there is also ample evidence in my favor. During the LSU/Bama game this year, he nearly took the head off of Dre Kirkpatrick in a controversial play. It wasn’t just the way he tackled Kirkpatrick (unnecessarily by the way), it was the immediate, “I didn’t do it” gesture he made and the fist bump he shared with his coach afterword. When he’s not leading with his helmet, it seems the face mask is one of Mathieu’s preferred methods of tackling.

In addition to work on the field, Heisman winners should exemplify good behavior off the field. We shouldn’t forget that LSU’s Heisman candidate was suspended for violating team drug policies. The Heisman voters looked the other way over Newton’s rap sheet; they’d have to hold their noses again to vote for Matheiu.

And look; this is a Hater’s Guide, so it sickens me the way announcers crush on the “Honey Badger” like he’s some sick hybrid of Peyton Manning, Michael Jordan, Cam Newton, and even Tiger Woods (I’m aware Jordan and Woods play different sports; I’m comparing their media coverage). Get a room guys; he ain’t that good.

I get so worked up watching him that I think the only way to calm down is to get a punching bag. My blind rage will reach an all-time high during the national championship game, especially since it will follow weeks of hype. I won’t express the details of things I’ve pictured happening to him because legally, I’m not sure I should put that in writing. But here’s hoping the “Honey Badger” plays a wholesome, clean game, and that Trent Richardson humiliates him not only in the Heisman voting, but on the field as well.