SEC Coaches As NWA Legends: The West
By Tony Breland
Alabama football and Championship Wrestling from Georgia were my two addictions as a young’un. An ideal Saturday was one spent watching the Crimson Tide in the afternoon, and the NWA on WTBS in the evening.
The legends of the NWA have passed into history (though some are trying to hang on), but my love of the Crimson Tide remains. So when a conversation with fellow BamaHammer-er Hare Bryant turned to our shared love of both real football and fake rasslin’ we started comparing the coaches of the SEC to our favorite NWA legends. For better or worse, here’s what we came up with:
Hugh Freeze: The Mulkey Brothers. Bill and Randy Mulkey are arguably the greatest wrestling jobbers of all time. Their career record was 0-180 before they actually won a match. After the inexplicable victory, the Mulkeys declared the beginning of “Mulkeymania,” which died the same night it was born since they never won another match. Why a tag team to represent Ole Miss and new coach Hugh Freeze? Ole Miss is so bad that a single jobber simply cannot capture what a raging tire fire that program is. The Mulkeys might come out of retirement and win the tag team championship belts before Ole Miss wins the SEC.
Dan Mullen: Magnum T.A. Despite the lack of a mustache, Dan Mullen’s head coaching career has largely mirrored Magnum’s wrestling career. Potential is the overarching theme with both. Magnum T.A. had the look, the moves, and the mic skills to be a champion but could never put it all together. His career highlights were winning the US Championship twice, but never attaining the big belt. When Dan Mullen arrived in Starkville excitement abounded. The new coach had the pedigree, having worked with Urban Meyer at Florida and turning Tim Tebow into a first round draft pick (as a quarterback, not a tight end shockingly). He had the enthusiasm and demeanor as well and created legitimate buzz at MSU. After some initial success his first season expectations grew and Mullen’s Bullies were widely considered a dark horse to win the SEC West. As it turns out, Mullen’s teams have been utterly incapable of beating anybody save for Ole Miss.
Gene Chizik: The Great Kabuki. The face of The Great Kabuki was almost always hidden, much like Gene Chizik’s teeth. The Asian grappler was best known for spitting mist into the eyes of his opponents, in order to blind them and gain an upper hand. Chizik’s Auburn teams have found success only when they run their smoke and mirrors offense complete with gimmicky play cards. The Great Kabuki always was accompanied by a manager, whether it be Gary Hart, Michael Hayes or Percy Pringle. It can be argued that Gene Chizik has managers as well and simply plays the figurehead role while Jay Jacobs and Pat Dye pull the strings of power. Kabuki could not function without a manager, and when Chizik is left to his own devices, he goes 5-19.
Kevin Sumlin: Butch Reed. This one was tough because not only is Sumlin new to the SEC, the team he coaches, Texas A&M is too. Reed was best known as one half of the tag team Doom, partnering with Ron Simmons. The Doom angle is very appropriate for the Aggie coach, since Texas A&M is more often than not thought of in the context of their rivalry with Texas. The Longhorns also tend to overshadow the Aggies, much like Butch Reed was overshadowed by Ron Simmons. It would be difficult to not be overshadowed by Simmons though, since he was a three time All-American at Florida State, a successful singles wrestler, and managed to parlay a single word “Damn” into a multi-year long running gimmick.
John L. Smith: Kendall Windham. The less successful brother of Barry Windham was, for an extremely short time, a replacement member of the Four Horsemen. In a match in 1989, Kendall Windham teamed with Eddie Gilbert against his brother Barry and JJ Dillon of the Horsemen, only to turn on his partner and raise the four fingers in the air, signifying that he had joined the group. Before the next show could even air however, Dillon was gone to the WWF and the Four Horsemen angle was buried.
John L. Smith was a last minute offseason replacement for Bobby Petrino due to Neckbrace Bobby’s motorcycle misadventures. While Smith provided some interesting quotes during Media Days, it is widely expected that his tenure with Arkansas will last only a little longer than Kendall Windham’s with the Horsemen.
Les Miles: Nikita Koloff. During the 1980’s, the NWA capitalized on anti-Soviet sentiment by elevating Russian (actually he’s American and his name is Nelson Simpson) wrestler Nikita Koloff to be one of the promotion’s top heels. Koloff’s broken English made for promos that were always entertaining even if you weren’t always sure what he was talking about. A Nikita Koloff wrestling promo could basically be used interchangeably with any Les Miles interview since the Mad Hatter is known to put his own unique twist on the English language. Though he spent the bulk of his career as a heel, Nikita Koloff turned face after a car accident forced Magnum T.A. to retire. This turn resembles the way that LSU fans have been slow to embrace Les Miles, despite a high level of success. At first they thought he simply won with Nick Saban’s recruits, but once Saban returned to coach in the SEC that narrative became inconvenient. After pulling countless victories out of his high-brimmed hat in a myriad of goofy ways, the LSU fanbase has rallied behind Miles. Like any heel that turns face though, full acceptance is difficult to obtain. As long as the victories keep coming, the Tiger fans should remain in Miles’ corner, but at the first sign of adversity we can surely expect to see more of them turn into Bobby Hebert.
Nick Saban: Ric Flair. To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man. Ric Flair was the man in the NWA. The jet flying, limousine riding, wheeling dealing, kiss stealing son of a gun ran roughshod over the wrestling world, all the while looking dapper and fantastic. The Nature Boy’s figure four leglock crippled opponents and forced them to submit. As many of Nick Saban’s opponents will testify, Saban has a way of making their asses quit. During the 1980s it was rare to see Ric Flair without the NWA World Heavyweight Championship belt draped over his shoulder, and it becoming rare to see a picture of Nick Saban without him holding a crystal football over his head. While Saban’s interviews will never be as colorful or animated as Ric Flair’s promos, he does give us some verbal gems such as how high achievers don’t like mediocre people and vice versa, and how good football teams resemble thermostats instead of thermometers. Maybe one day Saban will close out a media appearance with a loud “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Follow Hare on Twitter.