Dale probably hates me more than any other Auburn fan. Dale lives in a town in south Alabama that your GPS doesn’t believe exists. He has “had several wives,” served in Vietnam and loves Auburn. Dale enjoys the finer things in life like cursing at me, using an AOL email account, and quoting scripture.
In previous conversations I have led Dale to believe that I am a gay communist Alabama fan living in France who was raised by wolves. Dale believes everything I tell him, as long as it fits his idea of what I should be. You might think Dale would get wise to what I am doing, since I post our conversations, but he hasn’t. I don’t think Dale has actually ever read or watched anything I’ve done. He just knows he hates me, and that is enough.
All curse words have been changed to “TREES” in order to keep it PG-13.
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
Hey Dale,
What happened to Auburn this weekend? Losing to Arkansas must hurt huh?
My sympathies,
Bandit
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
I JUST NEW THAT UR SMART TREES WAS GONNA HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME I REALLY DONT CARE WHAT YOU STUPID TREES BAMMERS SAY LOSING DONT HURT NEARLY AS BAD AS ITS GONNA HURT WHEN WE KICK YOU TREE CAN TREES ALL OVER THE STATE
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
Really Dale? You want to threaten with the Iron Bowl? Have you thought this thru? Do you smell burnt toast? Are you exhibiting any other signs of stroke?
Concerned,
Dr. Bandit
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
28-27 MOTHER TREEER
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
Yes, I remember 2010. Hey remember the Bill Engvall Show? It was awful and also occurred in 2010, it also has as much to do with this year’s Iron Bowl as 28-27.
Here’s your sign,
Bandit
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
IM TELLING MY BUDDY ABOUT YOU YOUR STUPID TREE CAN GAY TREE LOVING BAMMER TREE HAS STEPD IN IT NOW
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
Oh wow! I really appreciate you spreading the word about me! I love having new fans! You really are a good friend,
me + you = forever,
Bandit
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
MY BUDDY IS A COP
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
That’s awesome! I have a ton of respect for the men in blue. So great to have a cop fan now!
Book’em Dale,
Bandit
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
YOU DONT GET IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A TREE CAN GAY TREE LOVING GAY TREE BAMMER MY BUDDY IS A COP AND WE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
I am flattered, but you don’t have to search, if you want an autograph all you have to do is ask.
John Hancock,
Bandit
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
OH YOU HAVE DONE IT NOW YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR REAL NAME TO THAT LAST EMAIL NOW WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE YOU SICK PIECE OF TREE AND WE ARE COMING FOR YOU SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN MY BUDDY IS A COP AND WE KNOW HOW TO HANDLE PUNKS LIKE YOU
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
Yep, you got me, you should be an investigator! If you do become an investigator can I be your sidekick?
your Watson,
John Hancock
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
ONLY THING YOU GONNA BE IS HURTIN WHEN WE GET TO YOU YOU ARE SUCH A PIECE OF TREES I CAN NOT WAIT TO FIND YOU YOU GO AHEAD AND COME TO AN AUBURN GAME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
I appreciate your offer to attend an Auburn game, but I have not had all the required injections to travel to a third world country.
I don’t like needles,
John Hancock
From DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
To Me
IT DONT MATTER WE WILL COME TO YOU MY BUDDY IS A COP YOU ARE GOING TO HATE WHAT HAPPENS YOU GAY TREE LOVING UPDIKE
From Me
To DALE ********* **********@AOL.com
Don’t put yourself out, I will come to the next Auburn game. Remember my name is John Hancock and this is my picture.
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