The 2012 Auburn Drinking Game
Sip your beer, but get ready to chug a bunch more …
As we were getting our drank on in the glorious moments after the Texas AM beatdown of the Evil Empire To The West and before Georgia uncorked 60 minutes of unqualified cheating in Jordan-Hare-Dye-Tuberville-Newton Stadium on Saturday night, we got to thinking …
How great would it be during these turbulent times to have a guide of sorts to help us imbibe during football games – something similar to the blueprint Coach Patrick Fain Dye himself utilizes every Monday during his PAWWWWWWWLLLLL appearances?
That’s why we bring to you our super-secret, never-before-seen 2012 Auburn Drinking Game. We personally plan on breaking it out when the valiant Weegles venture into the lion’s den to face the dastardly Alabama Sabanites in the Iron Bowl.
Use at your own risk. Drank responsibly. No live oak trees were harmed during the creation of this game.
* Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit is shown on full screen, working his muscled jaw on a poor stick of Big Red despite showing no visible teeth = toast beer with drinking buddy.
* Announcers reference our tremendous 2010 BCS National Championship = sip beer while fondly remembering said championship and silently chuckle about making that “sizable tithe” to Cecil Newton’s church.
* Announcers subsequently reference our precipitous fall from grace since 2010 = chug entire beer and launch empty can at television.
* Onterrrrrrrrio McCalebbbbbbb gets a handoff in space and heads for the edge = sip your beer with hope.
* McCalebbbbbbbbb runs out of bounds without being touched to avoid a tackle = chug the rest of your beer while shaking your head.
* We force an Alabama third-and-long situation with our ferocious defense = your friend pours a shot.
* Our ferocious defense allows a third-and-long Alabama first down = drink the shot.
* Every time they cut to a shot of Brian VanGorder’s glorious pornstache = open new beer.
* Announcers promptly discuss defense’s woes = slam beer and crunch empty on forehead.
* Every time Jonathan Wallace completes a pass = exchange drinks with your friend.
* Every time Wallace’s pass is actually completed to the Crimson Tide secondary = slam BOTH drinks.
* Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit chews out official = sip beer.
* Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit chews out players = sip beer.
* Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit is separated from chewed-out player by Trooper Taylor = drink entire six-pack.
* Network references season of tragic, cheating-infested near-misses as “season to forget” = Throw back shot.
* Any reference to bevy of injured players whose absence has greatly impacted our “season to forget” = Finish fifth of closest hard liquor.
* As probable blowout reaches epic proportions, announcers fill time by handicapping chances of Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit’s return to the Auburn sidelines in 2013 = Mumble barely coherent hopeful grunts at screen.
* Announcers infer that Coach Eugene Frank Cheezeit’s chances of keeping his job are somewhere between slim and none = Chuck full beer at TV screen.
* Announcers begin speculating on possible new coaches with brighter resumes than Eugene Frank Cheezeit = regain consciousness briefly with glimmer of hope in boozed-up eyes.
* Announcers squelch any thought of Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Bill Belichick, Bobby Petrino, Kevin Sumlin, Les Miles or anyone other than a second-rate assistant coach or has-been washout lifer would be caught dead on the Plains next = pass out and dream of a Final Four run for Tony Barbie and our vaunted men’s basketball team.
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