As we all know, the University of Tennessee recently fired esteemed court jester and head coach Derek Dooley. It has come to my attention that Tennessee is having some difficulty finding his replacement.
Normally I wouldn’t do this, but I feel bad for the Volunteers. They are in need of strong leadership, a steady hand on the wheel. So I have reluctantly decided to throw my mask into the ring. I am hereby announcing my candidacy for the position of Tennessee head coach.
Just in case you are wondering, this isn’t a joke. I mean it totally is, but it’s not. I really did email the following materials in to Tennessee Athletic Director Dave Hart.
Athletic Director of the University of Tennessee
December 6. 2012
I understand that Tennessee is currently looking for a new head coach to lead their prodigiously mediocre football program. I would like to throw my mask into the ring, and take a moment to lay out my outstanding qualifications. Tennessee is a fine upstanding hill college, and the jewel in the crown of the Tennessee Department of Education and Bible Learning, it deserves a truly outstanding leader for its football team. I believe I am everything that the University of Tennessee is looking for, and so much more.
I was born a poor German boy in Bangladesh Mississippi, before rising from my humble beginnings to become what I am today. What I am today is still up for some discussion and debate. What isn’t up for debate however, is that I am more qualified to be a football coach than Derek Dooley. I was once an assistant coach of a little league baseball team that won 2 games in their league. That is 2 more games than Derek Dooley won in the SEC this year.
I attended and graduated from the University of Alabama, which you know from experience is far better than the flaming ball of fail that you are captaining now. Not only is Alabama a much better football team than Tennessee, but it’s also ranked higher in academics. Perhaps some of my intelligence, inherent success, and natural drive to be a winner will rub off on the troglodytes of Knoxville.
As someone who has spent some time in West Virginia, I have had one on one experience with both of the major families in Tennessee Athletics, the Hatfields and McCoys. I have never fought off a hill people invasion, but feel that I would be cool and collected during these common Knoxville natural disasters.
Because I read Clay Travis’ tweets, I understand that you have many many amazing coaches that totally want this position. I am also aware that Tennessee being turned down by just about every coach this side of the Mississippi is a grand plot to cover for Jon Gruden. Why Jon Gruden needs cover has yet to be explained by the delusional Tennessee fan base, but I’m sure it has something to do with ancient aliens. All this aside, I believe you know good thing when you see it, and you know I am the right choice for Tennessee.
I understand that you are already convinced and ready to call and offer me the job, but I would request that you review the other materials I have provided, for appearances sake.
Your new head football coach,
Since you have not posted a formal application for this job I thought I would take an application that I thought would be similar to one used by the University of Tennessee and edit it.
I understand how these things work in Tennessee, and I think you will find my offer very enticing.
I refuse to wear orange pants, but I know that a head coach has to have a certain image. Therefore I present this artist’s interpreation of what it would probably look like if I led a football team out on the field.
As you can see my faithful readers, it is only a matter of time until I am named the new head coach of the university of Tennessee. I will not forget the little people who got me there however. I shall be a kind and benevolent ruler. If you want to help in the cause you can follow me on twitter or use the hash tag #BanditRefForVolsCoach