“This is the only thing that can possibly save Alabama’s 2013 recruiting class.”
As y’all now, the Auburn Talking Points is a massive and wide-ranging initiative designed to present Awbun in the best light possible at all times and in all forms of media.
From time to time, that means using the Talking Points against one of our rivals. While we generally discourage negative recruiting when assembling one of our patented five-star blue-chip classes, it helps to know you have a “Man On The Inside” ready to nudge the process along if need be.
My teleprompter says “Auburn good, Alabama bad …” at all times!
Enter Tom Luginbarner.
Perhaps you know him by his given name and his position as “National Recruiting Director” for ESPN. We know him down home on the Plains simply as our ace in the hole.
And because he is said trump card, we hereby present “Tom Luginbarner’s Breakdown Of Alabama’s 2013 Recruiting Class”
JONATHAN ALLEN, DT
Rivals.com ranking: FIVE stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Undersized, underweight and under the spell of Lord Satan, Allen will likely starve his way out of Bammer by his sophomore year.”
O.J. HOWARD, TE
Rivals.com ranking: FIVE stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “A private-school tight end, are you serious? This kid wouldn’t even crack the lineup at Vandy!”
COOPER BATEMAN, QB
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Anyone with a name that sounds like he’s related to Justine Bateman doesn’t deserve the time of day from me!”
BRADLEY BOZEMAN, OT
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “A 6-6, 315-pound high school kid?!?! Did he eat the Roanoke McDonald’s clean out of Big Macs or what?”
RAHEEM FALKINS, WR
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Any kid who LSU lets escape out of New Orleans clearly is either dumb, can’t play, or both.”
ROBERT FOSTER, WR
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Not even within a light-year of the best Foster being recruited by a team in the state of Alabama. He needs to eat some of Bozeman’s Big Macs, too.”
DERRICK HENRY, RB
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Are you kidding me? I could have set state records at Yulee, Florida! He will ride the pine for a few years before being ‘Processed’ out of the program. Bank account it.”
GRANT HILL, OG
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “See Bozeman, Bradley.”
TYREN JONES, RB
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Too short, too slow and too non-Christian for Mark Richt? Pffffffttttt.”
DARIUS PAGE, DT
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Foley’s talent level has been vastly overrated, starting with that Mexican kid named Julio Jones. What has *he* ever accomplished?!?!”
MAURICE SMITH, CB
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “As soft as his hometown of Sugar Land, Texas, suggests … He brings the cotton candy to any occasion!”
ArDARIUS STEWART, ATH
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “A player without a position? Sounds to me like a player headed to junior college to suddenly become smart enough to play a position!”
ALTEE TENPENNY, RB
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Clearly, Lord Saban sees recruiting 29 running backs as some sort of advantage. Too bad this one sucks like the rest of them.”
TIM WILLIAMS, DE
Rivals.com ranking: FOUR stars
Luginbarner ranking: ONE star
Luginbarner sez: “Only 6-4, 230? He’ll get smashed into a greasy spot by the mighty Auburn offensive line.”
ANTHONY AVERETT, ATH
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “See Stewart, ArDarius … minus a star.”
LEON BROWN, OL
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “We think Lord Saban might have a fetish for 6-6, 315 kids going on here …”
JONATHAN COOK, DB
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “If he actually runs a 4.5, then I am the Easter Bunny.”
BRANDON HILL, OL
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “A fat-ass JUCO kid with no real future beyond fry cook at Wendy’s.”
EDDIE JACKSON, WR
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “Any fence around the Miami-Dade area that let this kid break free means he sucks so bad Al Golden doesn’t even want him.”
WALKER JONES, LB
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “Like O.J. Howard, only white and small. A poor-man’s Jake Holland.”
COLE MAZZA, OL
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “Only 6-1, 240? Yeah, barely even a speed bump.”
PARKER McLEOD, QB
Rivals.com ranking: THREE stars
Luginbarner ranking: NO stars
Luginbarner sez: “Is Saban recruiting only the WASPy-named kids or what? Where is Thurston Howell IV?”
P.S.: Ear Wagle!
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