Alabama Football Recruiting: National Signing Day Drinking Game

Recruiting is ridiculous.

Everything about it from the press conferences with multiple hats on a table to the website subscription industry that it has spawned is completely, totally and absolutely ridiculous.

The entire process has gone so far off the deep end that the only thing left to do is figure out a way to use it to our advantage by enjoying some refreshing libations and enjoying a nice daytime drunk. Or for those of us that remain shackled to desks from 8 am to 5 pm, to keep an Excel sheet updated throughout the day so we know how many and what type of drinks we must catch up on in the evening.

Either way, to make sure our tailgating muscles have not yet atrophied in the still young offseason, let us embrace the 2013 National Signing Day Drinking Game.

• Take one drink whenever a recruit’s Letter of Intent is confirmed received by your favorite team, which for most of us is Alabama.
• If a prized recruit spurns your team and signs with a rival, take a shot of the liquor that you find absolutely revolting and the mere smell of almost makes your insides come outside. After all, yin must have yang and we cannot enjoy the highs of fandom without the lows.
• If your team receives a surprise signing by a recruit previously thought to be committed to a rival school, pour a dram of the good stuff.
• Take one drink every time a fax machine is shown on television. Also take one drink of water every time a fax machine is shown on television to prevent certain alcohol poisoning.
• Take two drinks if during a televised press conference a recruit dons the cap of one team, only to remove said cap, cast it aside and don another.
• Take five drinks if during a televised press conference a recruit uses a live animal to announce his decision. If the chosen school does not feature the corresponding animal as its mascot, finish your drink.
• Take three drinks anytime an on-air commentator shamelessly plugs his or her subscription service such as Rivals, 24/7 Sports, ESPN Insider, etc.
• Take a drink of sour mash whiskey is a recruit signs with Alabama and eschews the baseball cap for a Houndstooth Fedora. Take an additional drink for the Bear.
• Take two drinks if during a televised press conference a recruit states the name of his chosen school incorrectly. Watching press conferences where Auburn is a finalist is not recommended as their players commonly refer to the school as “The University of Auburn.”
• Take one drink every time a head coach says “We’re very excited about our class.”
• Take four drinks whenever a coach who is having a plainly abysmal signing day is described as being a “strong closer.”
• Bonus: If you have any friends or relatives who are Auburn fans, buy them a bottle of Night Train, Wild Irish Rose, MD 20/20 or some other hobo wine to help them drown their sorrows.

I typically close my columns on matters of drink with a directive to enjoy responsibly, but that might be a touch hypocritical since I have just outlined a drinking game that is no way shape or form responsible at all.  Instead I will just say to enjoy the spectacle of recruiting and try not to destroy your liver. Roll Tide.