BanditRef: Lying With Numbers, Spring Game Attendance Report 2013

Spring game attendance doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean anything, at all. Which is why it’s hilarious to watch schools uber-inflate their spring game attendance. Like if Miami claims a billion people came to see their spring game we won’t notice that three people showed up for their regular season games.

Bragging about spring game attendance is like bragging about how many twitter followers you have; even if the number is really good it’s out-shined by how sad you are. With this in mind let’s delve into the world of lying with numbers and laugh at some sad sad athletic departments.

Kentucky Fried Mascot

South Carolina:

This Year: 35,218

Last Year: 34,513

+705 rooster mullets

South Carolina had 35,218 folks show up to their spring game this year. You have to think that the increased interest is due to Clowney, because I think it’s become painfully obvious that Steve Spurrier isn’t going to magically make USCe an SEC powerhouse. USCe may have an advantage going into this year though; I would take an intact USCe defense with some offensive questions over an intact UGA offense with defensive questions.

How you doing?

Clemson

This Year: 30,000

Last Year: 28,000

+2,000 fans who think the ACC is a real conference

Surprisingly the attendance for the Clemson spring game wasn’t 35,219. Clemson’s record attendance is out-shined by the fact that Chad Kelly tore his ACL. Yes he is only the backup QB, but having a key player receive a season-ending injury in the spring game is just the most Clemson thing ever.

Chief Lose to NC State

Chief lose to NC State

FSU

This Year: 27,000

Last Year: 40,631

-13,613

Either there was a big sale on flip flops Saturday, or FSU just couldn’t top their wildly exaggerated number last year. FSU finally wins the ACC, interest plummets.

MeeMaw?

MeeMaw? Is that You?

Texas

This Year: 10,000

Last Year: 46,000

-36,000 ten gallon hats

Last year Texas had 20,000 in the stadium at best and decided each person wearing orange counted as two people. So the attendance drop is exaggerated because Texas exaggerates. Don’t be too hard on these Texas for these numbers, it doesn’t include the literally tens of people who were able to watch on the Longhorn Network. Plus, if Colt McCoy hadn’t gotten hurt then…

Stoops, Bob Stoops.

Oklahoma

This Year: 29,200

Last Year: 20,000

+9,200 T. Boone Pickens haters

Maybe they should have a Sooner Network?

I think it’s sexist they don’t wear skirts.

I think it’s sexist he isn’t wearing a skirt.

Texas A & M

This Year: 45,212

Last Year: 15,000

+30,212 male cheerleaders

It’s amazing what beating Alabama, getting a new coach, and winning the Heisman can do. The Aggies are in the top conference and have every reason to be excited for next year. But don’t forget Texas has a head coach that looks like my MeeMaw.

Spending time with family.

tOSU

This Year: 29,200

Last Year: 81,000

-51,800 people who hate the NCAA

tOSU decided to play their spring game in Cincinnati; I assume so Urban Meyer and Tommy Tuberville could compare pine boxes. So a drop is to be expected when you move your spring game 2 hours away from campus to Cincinnati. I hope they have enough penicillin to kill any Cincinnati they became infected with; you don’t want to bring that plague back to Columbus.

Still throws like a girl.

Michigan

This Year: 18,000

Last Year: 25,000

-7,000 very cold people

The bad news is that it was 30 degrees for this “spring” game. The good news is we can finally stop hearing folks talk about Denard Robinson like he is a quarterback.

Next years head coach of your Dallas Cowboys!

Your 2014 Dallas Cowboys head coach!

USC

This Year: 15,284

Last Year: 34,253

-18969 Raiders fans

Last year was so full of hope for USC, other than the Lane Kiffin part. This year they come crashing back to lose the Sun Bowl to Georgia Tech reality. Fun Fact: USC plays flag football in their spring game to prepare their defenders for not tackling in the regular season.

Just another reason to be a Nebraska fan.

Nebraska

This Year: 60,000

Last Year: cancelled due to weather and corn

+60,000 corn people

The Big Ten is a frozen wasteland devoid of life and bowl wins, but luckily Nebraska was able to have their game this year. Nebraska wins the spring game championship based solely on what they did for 7-year old Jack Hoffman. Nebraska ran a special play for Jack, who is fighting brain cancer. Jack ran 69 yards for a touchdown and now I’m kind of a Nebraska fan.

This is a rebel.

Ole Miss

This Year: 11,729

Last Year: 25,000

-13271 Bears

Let’s be honest; Ole Miss was full of crap last year when they claimed 25,000. It was more like 10,000. So let’s give Hugh Freeze credit for making Ole Miss a more honest, less Houston Nutty, place. It seems that the more insecure an athletic department is, the more they think fudging numbers for spring game attendance is important. Ole Miss had a respectable season and won the Egg Bowl, so I guess they can come back down to earth. In related news, Auburn is already claiming 200,000 for next Saturday.

Sad Vols.

Vanderbilt

This Year: 14,000

Last Year: 8500

+5500 people who are smarter than me

Vandy is riding high in the state of Tennessee. They have beaten Tennessee in football, basketball and baseball this year. Vanderbilt owns Tennessee in every major sport and book learning. So I would assume Tennessee fans are going to crow if they have more than 14k show up for their spring game; that will show them!

Good day ladies.

Louisville

This Year: 34,000

Last Year: 15,000

+19,000 basketball fans

Louisville just won the national championship in the biggest sport that no one cares about in the south. They also put the beat down on Florida in the Sugar Bowl. Louisville has a lot to be proud of, but looking at twitter, no one is more proud of their spring game turnout than their bitter rivals Kentucky.

Football school.

Football School.

Kentucky

This Year: 50,831

Last Year: 4,500

+46,331 bitter basketball fans

Kentucky went to the NIT, Kentucky bombed in the NIT. KENTUCKY IS NOW A FOOTBALL SCHOOL Y’ALL! Seriously Kentucky fans, howling about your great spring game turnout is just the saddest thing ever.

Check back next week; this article will be added to as more games are played.

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