BanditRef: How Manti T’eo Spent Draft Night


Manti T’eo didn’t go to the NFL draft in New York last night, and he also didn’t allow cameras in his family home in Hawaii.  Luckily we have an inside source, Manti’s little cousin Manto, who recorded the night for us.

2:00PM HST: Manti is in the backyard pulling leaves off the trees to make a “traditional Hawaiian lei” no one else in the family wears leaves.

2:15PM HST: Manti just changed his Christian Mingle profile to “plays in the NFL” he’s totally catfishing people now.

2:30PM HST: Manti is trying to text Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.  Tom’s grandson replies: “Papaw is taking his post Matlock nap right now, and he doesn’t know how to text anyway.”

3:00PM HST: The draft has started.  Manti is eating a whole pig “for the protein.”

3:15PM HST: Manti can’t believe Kansas City picked a player from the MAC because “they had such a cupcake schedule, they didn’t even play Navy.”

3:30PM HST: Manti says he didn’t want to go to Jacksonville anyway, he’s afraid of the ocean.

3:45PM HST: Manti and my uncle are deep in a discussion about who would win in a fight, Wolverine or Mormon Jesus.

4:00PM HST: Manti just texted Bill Belichick:

Manti: Hey Bill, you guys thinking about drafting me or what?

Belichick: Who is this?

Manti: Manti T’eo

Belichick: That’s not even a real name, nice try Gruden.

4:15PM HST: Manti and I are playing freeze tag in the yard, he is so slow.

4:30PM HST: Manti and Tebow are talking about how persecuted they are on AIM.

4:45PM HST: Manti is praying to Pelu Pelu god of the volcano, I find this culturally offensive and racist.

5:00PM HST: Manti is telling us all about how meaningful his tattoos are… again.

5:15PM HST: Manti is watching old episodes of “Rocket Power” on Netflix.

5:30PM HST:  Manti can’t believe he “wore his best leaves for nothing.”

6:00PM HST:  Dinner time and the whole family is here, so we can all be disappointed together.

6:15PM HST: Manti is reading the last Twilight novel.

6:30PM HST: Manti just sent a mass text to all the NFL GMs reminding them to Skype him, he’s learned his lesson.

6:45PM HST: Lou Holtz just called to console Manti. “Theeeshe teamsh don’t knowsh swhat they are doingsh passhing on a gggreat plasher lihe you Manthhhi Teshyho.”

7:00PMHST: Manti is just got off the phone with Tyrann Mathieu; he asked Mathieu how he stayed so calm.  Manti is now trying to smoke his lei.

7:15PM HST: Manti just said “Why couldn’t my arm get bitten off by a shark like that surfer girl, everyone loves her, she’s so lucky.”

7:30PM HST: It’s Manti’s bedtime, my aunt is getting ready to give him his bath and read “Goodnight Moon.”

8:00PM HST: Manti just wandered into my aunt and uncle’s bedroom clutching a blanket and complaining of a bad dream. “Can I sleep in here with you guys tonight?” “Of course you can buddy, of course you can.”