10 Keys to Trash Talking Oklahoma Sooners Fans

Nov 30, 2013; Auburn, AL, USA; Alabama Crimson Tide wide receiver Amari Cooper (9) makes a catch and runs for a 99 yard touchdown against the Auburn Tigers during the fourth quarter at Jordan Hare Stadium. John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

The Alabama Crimson Tide and the Oklahoma Sooners are going to square off in the Sugar Bowl on Jan. 2. The last time the teams played, in 2003, there was a mutual admiration society that emerged, with both programs tipping the caps to the storied successes of the others over the years. Well, that just doesn’t cut it on football message boards. So here are some key points Crimson Tide fans can use when talking trash on the interwebs:

1. Oh, you guys have five Heisman winners? Nice. But Sam Bradford and Jason White are your last two, which should count for -5 winners. At least Mark Ingram gets a few carries now and again.
2. You guys can’t decide on which quarterback to use for the game. We’ve got college legend AJ McCarron at the helm for us. And cheering him on? Miss Alabama, Katherine Webb. Did I mention she’s an Auburn grad? I bet neither Blake Bell nor Trevor Knight has even met Miss Texas, much less would have the brazen audacity to stake claim to their rival’s best gal. Sir AJ? Not a problem.
3. Nice uniforms, Sooners. Wow, an O and a U on your helmet. Exactly how much did you spend on creative consultants for that? Numbers, baby. That’s where it’s at.
4. Boomer Sooner? What does that even mean? ESPN did a commercial featuring the universal greeting of “Roll Tide.” It’s Dixie’s Aloha. Boomer Sooner? That’s just nonsense.
5. Remember when Bob Stoops made an off-handed remark about the SEC and their defenses this year? Yeah, neither do I, because I turned off my Google alerts for “whiny coaches who routinely get thumped in big games.”
6. While this game is as meaningless as a pinky toe for Alabama fans, let’s reflect on the big game. Bama’s been in three BCS title games, and we won all three. You guys have been in four and been throttled all but once. (Unless you want to claim that national title as a result of Reggie Bush’s parents getting a free house. That should take all the sting out of that 55-19 drubbing in 2005.) And your second appearance? Nick Saban led LSU – LSU, of all teams! – to a victory over you. If he can beat you with that nearly 1-AA team, imagine what he will do with Alabama at his disposal.
7. Your stadium holds 82,112 people. That’s sweet. Fast fact: Alabama considered playing its spring game in Norman, but there just wouldn’t be enough seats for the fans.
8. Remember the 1963 Orange Bowl? Bear Bryant’s squad pummeled Bud Wilkinson’s Sooners 17-0. President Kennedy and the first lady were in attendance. Did Bear Bryant and Joe Namath let Camelot down? No. No they did not. Bud Wilkinson. Did he ever even do anything besides that one magical season? And don’t bring up that supposed 47-game winning streak. Anyone can update Wikipedia these days.
9. You tied us in the 1970 Bluebonnet Bowl. We were 6-5 that year. Have you seen us when we don’t care about a bowl game? Ask Louisville. Ask Utah. Oh, wait. I mean, this will be vengeance for that game. Yes. That’s it. Remember the Bluebonnet!
10. Last year in the national title game, Bama squared off with Notre Dame, another one of the storied programs in college football history with whom we didn’t have a recent history of fan animosity. Look what we did to them. Be warned, Sooners.