The Very Early Preseason Bottom 25

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It’s time to revive a time honored tradition, The Bottom 25 is back.

The Bottom 25 is just like a top 25, but much much sadder. These are the dregs of the Power 5, all lined up for show.
In order to be in the bottom 25 you have to be in a power 5 conference, ACC, B1G, Big 12, Pac 12, and SEC only. The big schools get all love and advantages don’t they? Sorry but it’s just no fun to pick on Southern Miss. (EDITOR’S NOTE: This will not stop the comments of this post being full of “Mah team cud beat Tulane, you don’t know nuthin’, dur hur hur!”)
So without further ado, let’s look at who will be the worst of the worst in 2015.

25 Texas A&M

Oh Aggies, it’s bad enough that you are weirdos with male cheerleaders and strange chants, but now you have to be bad at football too? Remember when the mirage of Johnny Manziel’s luck and alcohol had us all convinced that Texas A&M was going to be a power in the SEC West? That was hilarious. Reality hit Texas A&M and their make-believe defense this past year when Alabama stomped the poor little weirdos 59-0. New defensive coordinator John Chavis will make the Aggies’ D a little stiffer, but it’s going to take some serious time and possibly Viagra before it’s truly useful.


24 Virginia Tech

I know some writers out there are already cranking out their yearly “It’s Virginia Tech’s Year!” articles, but let’s be real here. If VaTech was ever going to get their act together under Frank Beamer they probably would have done it two hip replacement surgeries and a bypass ago. It’s only a matter of time before the special teams expert, whose teams have been pretty bad at special teams lately, is coaching from a Hoveround. On the other hand Frank Beamer does serve a purpose as the frightening Ghost of Christmas Future for Mark Richt.


23 Florida

I like the direction Florida is headed because firing Will Muschamp can only make the Gators better. I don’t think they get off The Bottom 25 this season, but they do make it to the back end. YAY FOR MEDIOCRITY! Jim McElwain will get Florida straight, but it’s going to take him time to clean up the mess that Will Muschamp made all over the rug.


22 South Carolina

Some 7-5 seasons are better than others, that’s just a fact of life for the ole ball coach. Not that I think Steve Spurrier really cares, his handicap is only getting lower y’all. Steve Spurrier will retire when he damn well pleases, and until then you’ll take his smartass comments and mediocre seasons and you’ll like it dad-gummit. You kids get off grandaddy Steve’s lawn, stand up straight, and get a haircut. Hippies.


21 North Carolina

North Carolina had a hard time being a halfway decent team in the ACC when they were cheating like mad and creating pretend classes and grades for their athletes. If you can only be a mediocre ACC team while cheating then what’s going to happen when you stop? Mother of God.


20 Oklahoma State

Oklahoma State is the perfect example of just throwing money at a problem. T. Boone can build all the weight rooms in the world but it isn’t going to make Mike Gundy into more of a man. The Big 12 was bad last year, really bad, really really awful, yet Oklahoma State lost to every team in the Big 12 that even remotely had a pulse. This year the Cowboys will face one of the weakest schedules I’ve ever seen. So thanks to the ridiculous Big 12 round robin Okie State might win enough games to get their junk pushed in during a bowl game!

19 LSU

I know you’re furious at me for this corndogs, but being angry at me isn’t going help you… I’m sorry “heauxlp yeaux”. LSU has no quarterback, they also have some problems on defense, and they just hired the defensive coordinator from Clemson. CLEMSON, wow. Kevin Steele is the man behind the Clemson defense that allowed West Virginia to drop 70 points on them in the Orange Bowl. On the other hand when Kevin Steele was head coach at Baylor he did get them to almost 10 wins… in four years. Yes, this is a decision that is bound to lead to success. The only thing keeping the Tigers decent in the last two years was their defense; it’s about to get bumpy in Baton Rouge. Luckily for Les Miles LSU is bankrupt and even if he has the worst season in recent LSU history there’s no chance he’s getting fired, because they can’t afford it. (EDITOR’S NOTE: this will not stop LSU fans from claiming that they are going to “get Saban back because he’s always wanted to come back to LSU.”)

Oh, and they lost the Music City Bowl to Notre Dame which as we all know is seven years bad luck.


18 Cal

Hey Cal, how you doing buddy? I sure am proud of you for trying your very bestest and doing a little bit better. Someone has to be the little worker bee right? You just keep doing you and trying your very hardest and one day I’m sure you’ll grow up into a beautiful butterfly. You can do it, I believe in you.


17 Iowa

Kirk Ferentz got paid $3.25 million to lose the Tax Slayer Bowl last year.


16 Texas

So how’s the Charlie Strong experiment treating you Longhorns? Bret Bielema beat you like a redheaded step child, and he’s coaching one of the more mediocre SEC West teams. Did I mention that the Big 12 was exceptional at sucking last year? Hey at least you have the Longhorn Network so you can relive 2014’s big 3 point win over Iowa State. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Obviously I’m being sarcastic about a three point win over Iowa State… but in reality it was one of their biggest wins in 2014.) Look for Texas to win one out of their first three games with a big victory over Rice!


15 Miami

Will Smith must be so disappointed in what Miami has become.