The SEC Tinder Game

2 of 47

Bret Bielema – The Ron Swanson of the SEC

Turn-Ons: bacon, sausage, ham, ribs, hot dogs, corn dogs, baloney, pork chops, sunsets

Turn-Offs: vegetarians, Barry Alverez, the dangerous HUNH

Body Type: 2 3/4 Bobby Petrinos

Eyes: borderline erotic

About Bret:

Listen baby, I’m not here to write some fancy profile that’s going to be full of tricks and twists. I’m an old fashioned man who’s just looking to run it up your middle and overwhelm you with my size and power.

I can be summed up as a man by this chart.

What Are You Looking For In A Partner?

I’m looking for someone who knows that barbecue sauce can be an exciting addition to the bedroom. My perfect lady would have the humor of Betty White, the commanding personality of Bea Arthur, and the sexual ferocity of Rue McClanahan. Are you my Golden Girl?

What Do People Notice First About You?

My natural scent, it’s like putting your head right in that little rotating hot dog cooker at the 7-11.

Favorite Band: I listen exclusively to Bruce Springsteen.

Favorite Movie: Over The Top.

Religion: Guy Fieri

Sexual Preference: I enjoy any position that allows my two dogs to watch.

A Random Fact About You: I’ve fought in three gentleman’s duels, I of course won all three. AND IF GUS DOESN’T WATCH IT IT’S GOING TO BE FOUR SOON.

If You Could Be Any Animal What Would It Be? The pig, because it’s the most delicious animal.

If You Didn’t Do What You Do Now, What Would You Do? I’d be the better version of Joey Chestnut.

3 Things You Can’t Live Without: bacon, bacon, and “Little Women” by Louisa May Alcott

Is Bret Bielema your SEC true love match or will you keep searching?