My Application To Become Auburn’s Defensive Coordinator


Auburn is having a hard time finding a defensive coordinator so I’ve decided to step up and take the bullet.  Here’s my application to become the next defensive coordinator at Auburn.

ICYMI: Georgia fans are mad about Jeremy Pruitt leaving for Alabama and calling him a “trader”.

Auburn needs a defensive coordinator and I would love to be Auburn’s defensive coordinator because it seems like the kind of job where you can get things wrong and still not get fired… like weathermen and psychologists.

Auburn has had trouble finding their man this year, being turned down by top candidates after losing Will Muschamp to South Carolina. Losing Muschamp to South Carolina wasn’t Auburn’s fault of course, everyone knows that South Carolina has a thing for big cocks.

So here is my application to become the next defensive coordinator at Auburn.  I think you will find that I have all the qualifications necessary to be the guy who yells on the sideline while Auburn almost loses to inferior schools.


Dear Jay Jacobs,

It’s been a rough season for the Auburn Tigers.  First you crowned yourselves champions of the SEC and gave Jeremy Johnson the Heisman, then you started playing football and sucked.  It’s hard when you set yourself up for something amazing and then realize that you hired Will Muschamp.  It’s time for Auburn to end the disappointment, they need a savior, they need me.

Am I the greatest defensive mind of all time? No, I’m certainly not.  I was the smallest kid on my junior high football team and almost tackled a guy once.

Will I be professional? Probably not, but unlike Will Muschamp I am housebroken.  I can stand next to Gus as he makes faces like Beaker from The Muppets.  I can yell at refs, I’m great at yelling at refs, I already hate Tom Ritter (Of course I hate Tom Ritter, I’m not a communist.).

I do have some things I won’t do however – I will not join Kristi Malzahn’s creepy new age church.

I think once you read my application you will realize that I am the man for the job, however if you need more convincing I have a Walmart gift card with $3.24 left on it that has your name on it.

eagles at war,




I understand that as an Auburn man you don’t like reading too many words, so I’ve listed my references as pictures.

Joey Freshwater

Abraham Lincoln

Jesus and a lamb

I also have a couple of wonderful Auburn friends who are on Twitter, Hayden and Ezra.  So if you are an Auburn fan and anything I’ve ever done has offended you, you should probably tweet your complaints to them.

I will anxiously await your call… at (213) 536-7885.  I am willing to be flexible on salary because I know Auburn is having difficulties right now, that Birmingham Bowl paycheck isn’t huge.  I think once you think about it you will realize I am the man you’ve been looking for, no not the one from you Craig’s List ad, the one for defensive coordinator.

Next: Georgia Fans Are Mad About Pruitt Going To Bama

Do you think I should become Auburn’s next defensive coordinator? Let me know on twitter @banditref or in the comments below! Fighting eagles!