Rio Olympics: What If Verne And Gary Were Commentators?

Mar 26, 2015; Syracuse, NY, USA; CBS announcer Verne Lundquist during practice for the semifinals of the midwest regional of the 2015 NCAA Tournament at Carrier Dome. Mandatory Credit: Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports
Mar 26, 2015; Syracuse, NY, USA; CBS announcer Verne Lundquist during practice for the semifinals of the midwest regional of the 2015 NCAA Tournament at Carrier Dome. Mandatory Credit: Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports /

As annoying as many of the commentators for the Rio Olympics have been, can you IMAGINE the chaos – and hilarity –  if Verne and Gary were calling the plays?

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Anyone who’s watched Alabama football the past few seasons has had the joy of listening to the Un-Dynamic Duo call almost every single game. Their play-by-play screw-ups, inability to pronounce players’ names, constant discussions of “how everything will play out” in the playoff games (including pretty pictures Danielson will occasionally draw to “telestrate” his point), and random, tourettes-style interjections make for a hysterical three hours of 24 carat comedy gold.

You might be thinking “So is this about football or the Olympics? Cause I could have sworn “Rio Olympics” was in the title of this piece.”

Stay with me a second.

The commentators in Rio have been nothing short of terrible. And not funny-terrible; just plain awful. From sexist remarks to inaccurate reporting, it’s safe to say those calling the action have been anything but the best in the word.

My question today is: What would it sound like if the CBS A-team that is Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson called the play-by-plays of 2016 Summer Olympic Games in Rio? What vocal gems and mental pictures would we be lucky enough to hear?

I like to think it would be something like this:

Mandatory Credit: Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports
Mandatory Credit: Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports /

Verne:  “Well Gary, here we are in beautiful Rio de January Brazil. We have 2 thousand dollars…er…people…in attendance tonight, and millions more watching at home.”

Gary:  “Yes Verne, this really is the pinnacle of athletic world. Only the very elite contenders will be competing in these events.”

Verne:  “We have a great lineup for you, with favorites such as swimming, gymnastics, some sort of running, and people poking each other with large sticks.”

***Prime Time Starts***

Verne: “Oh my…first we have the US Olympic men’s swimming team <> wearing really teeny Speedos.”

Gary: “That doesn’t look like the strongest of material holding those suits there, Verne. Keep in mind that this rayon/spandex is one of the weakest threads in the world. I’d be worried about allowing for early penetration in the box by a strong opponent.”

Verne: “Do you remember when Johnny Manziel dressed up as Scooby Doo for Halloween?” <> “Oh my gracious!”

Gary (ignoring Verne): “Look at the construction of the swimsuit. Here, let me draw it out. The spandex clings directly to the hips and buttocks, allowing for that extra boost of confidence right before the swim. Let’s watch as the most decorated Olympian of all time steps onto the starting block.”

Verne: “That’s right, Gary. Tim Tebow has arrived and will be trying once again for that gold trophy.”

Gary: “Tim Tebow isn’t here, Verne. That’s Michael Phelps, and he’s swimming for a gold medal.”

Verne: “Let’s move to gymnastics! Here is the US women’s Olympic team, anchored by Salmon Pile and Aly Rightwoman.”

Gary (facepalms): “The problem I see here is that the on the vault event, Simone isn’t running down the lane swiftly enough. She’s low on power by the time her feet hit the springboard. When you get down to this area, you really just have to start pounding it.  Look at that dismount! It really only works when you’re using a combination with a solid tight-end. Geesh.”

Verne: “Let’s move to the Olympic outdoor arena and check in on the track and field events. Oh look! There’s Hussain Dart from Jamaica ready to run! I wonder if he could be a bobsledder?”

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Can you imagine?!? The entire time would be full of innuendo and gloriously terrible descriptions of Olympic athletes and their events. We would be able to actually hear the embarrassment and confusion in their voices as they talked about gymnasts “coming at the blind side from behind”, swimmers “going all the way” and how the track and field competitors manage to “get off just in time”.

For the remainder of the 2016 Olympics, let’s pretend that the modern day Muppet hecklers are commenting on each of the outfits, athletes, and events.

I can imagine few things that would give us greater joy and a bigger chortle than listening to Verne and Gary call the Olympics.