Coach Saban, Hire ME as the New Alabama Offensive Coordinator!

Our man can relate to the Alabama Nation, and he wants to run the rock, twist some dreads, score some babes and be loud with the Alabama football offensive coordinator job. Hire him?

Since it looks like Lane Kiffin is hitting the bricks after the College Football Playoffs  I would like to take this opportunity to get a jump on my competition and put my application in with Nick Saban for the Alabama football offensive coordinator job.

With the talent that Saban has acquired in T-Town over the last 10 years, I figure a monkey or Mickey Mouse himself could produce on offense with that talent – even me!

ICYMI: Tweets of the game – SEC Championship

So I have have a list of five reasons why you, Coach Saban, should hire me to be your next offense coordinator at Alabama:

1. I’m all Bama

Coach Saban, I live slap-dab in the middle of recruiting center Mobile. I was born in Baton Rouge and my family moved to Mobile when I was a child – so I can relate to the coonasses in Louisiana. I will continue to secure the recruiting dominance you started in 2007 on the gulf coast diamond mine recruiting grounds. Coach, my middle name is Bryant. My father had a signed Paul Bryant photo ready to go for me before I was even out of the womb. Like I said, I’m all Bama. I know what the fans, alumni and you expect: dominance. And I will produce. Lane Kiffin was paid $1.4 million a year. I’ll take the job for $500 a week and a meal card. I will also need a office with a shower/closet/kitchen/bed.

Alabama Crimson Tide

2. Relating to the players

I can relate to the kids, Coach Saban! Yeah, I know all the fashion and lingo they all use. I know what it takes to get the best out of ’em because I can be pals with them and be their coach, too. I plan on bringing in Hal Mumme (more on him later) as my quarterbacks coach, or I can be the quarterbacks coach too. Either way Is fine! I recently took some online hair stylist courses and graduated – so I’m certified in doing dreadlocks! Jalen Hurts gonna love the twists I put in his hair, Coach! When I get brought in for my in-person interview, you’ll see I’m also a very sharp-dressed man – so I can be their stylist off the field, keeping them looking sharp. Coach, I’m going to make the offense look good on and off the field.

3. The Elephant Package

I want to keep some elements of that zany Lane Kiffin offense, so I was thinking that we keep Steve Sarkisian and bring him to the sidelines (if the NCAA lets me). Sark will be one of my assistants, my personal water cup holder during the game. I think its best we keep him down south in the Bible Belt anyway, away from the whiskey. I figure once hired I’ll take the ol’ university private jet over to Jackson Miss., and hire Hal Mumme away from Belhaven University. Then I’m going to take one more trip over to Ohio, where they have this kid named “Serious Moe”. I can’t find his real name, but he shouldn’t be hard to find because it is Ohio after all and he’s a celebrity – he is the 2016 xBox Madden challenge tournament champion. Eat your heart out, Auburn!

I figure me and you will sit back and eat Little Debbie cakes and listen to Steve, Hal and Serious Moe hammer out a game plan every week. When I am asked a question I’ll always say “run the damn ball!” So yeah, Coach, during games I’ll let those three rotate every series and every time we have third-and-short or third-and-long its not gonna matter – as the O.C. I will call for the “Elephant Package”! I mean, how many 300-pound guys do we have on the roster, Coach? A dozen or more? I’ll put those young talents to use as my rotating blockers in the Elephant Package. The running backs will average 300 yards a game! I’ll rewind the clock to 1892 or keep the offense in 2016, coach, you just tell me what you want and I’ll get it done.

4. Upping the hotness quotient

Will Muschamp, Lane Kiffin, Bret Bielema to name a few … coach, do you know what all these guys have in common besides being SEC coaches? They all have hot wives and girlfriends! I would like to have me a hot blonde twenty-something, too! I think this coaching in the SEC thing has something to do with it, but I’m not 100 percent sure. I was thinking after a year or two of the ladies seeing my Elephant Package offense, they will be beating down my door wanting to be with me. So help me up my game a little bit and hire me has your next offensive coordinator.

5. Quiet? Not me!

I’m going to fit right in, coach. I’m naturally loud – like Scott Cochran loud. You are gonna love me. I’m also animated like many of your assistant coaches. I am a really good craftsman, too, I can even make the defense a new Alabama belt! I’ve been been a Nick Saban fan since your Spartan days. I’ve been indoctrinated into The Process for a long time. When you moved down south to LSU, I knew it was only a matter of time before you would win a national title there in what was at the time a dumpster fire of a Western Division. Needless to say, when I saw you step off the plane in 2007 in Tuscaloosa I was very happy and glad you joined the Alabama football family.

Next: Lane Kiffin Says He Will Stay With Tide Through Playoffs

So take this as a invite from me to you to have me join your Alabama football coaching family.

What could possibly go wrong?