Alabama Crimson Tide: Things I will do before rooting for Auburn
As an Alabama Crimson Tide fan (and a supporter of Alabama sports, in general), there are any number of things I will do prior to cheering for any Auburn team. The following is a list of those things.
*Author’s Note: These are the opinions of the author and do not reflect those of the Bama Hammer staff.
There seems to be an internal war going on amongst Alabama Crimson Tide fans as of late. The emergence of Auburn basketball mixed with the Tide’s (as far as football and basketball go) own tepid start to 2019 have sent the Crimson faithful into a tizzy.
Hunter L. Johnson, an Alabama super fan with a major presence on Twitter, along with a slew of others, have taken umbrage with the fact that there are many Tide fans openly cheering for Auburn in the NCAA Tournament. Even former Alabama football quarterback Jay Barker has thrown his support towards the cross-state rival.
While I, personally, have vacillated between the strong opinions of Johnson’s and trying to understand that of Barker’s, at the end of the day I just cannot in good faith cheer for Auburn athletics. Ever. I see their logo and a bomb goes off in my brain. I don’t like Charles Barkley. I considered trading in my Apple products when Tim Cook became CEO. If I ever saw Tommy Tuberville or Gus Malzahn on the street, not screaming obscenities at them would probably make me cry or vomit or both.
The only Auburn product I have a modicum amount of respect for is Bo. That catch in the outfield was something else.
Still, no one can convince me that cheering for the Tigers is anything but being tantamount to perpetual diarrhea.
That being said, here are a few things you’d probably catch me doing before cheering for the Auburn Tigers in anything.
I WOULD:
- Vote the other side of the aisle
- Eat all my vegetables
- Cheer for Georgia
- Cheer for Clemson
- Cheer for LSU
- Cheer for Tennessee
- Clean out the litter box with my hands
- Use “Shamwow” in a sentence (this sentence will self-destruct in five, four…)
- Mock the gorillas at the zoo
- Participate in a panel about “Star Wars”
- Participate in a panel about anything Marvel-related
- Participate in a panel about the works of William Makepeace Thackeray
- Participate in a panel about Phil Collins
- Participate in a panel about the “great works of men”
- Book a connecting flight into Charles de Gaulle Airport
- Fly Air France
- Fly Delta
- Frame someone for counterfeiting Hungarian forints
I recently travelled to Europe and must confess: I really hate flying for more than five hours; It’s terrible; There isn’t enough Cognac on the plane to convince me those last four hours didn’t exist; Also, “Economy” is “Coach”–you can’t add three syllables to a word and make me forget that my legs are not supposed to fold that way; My body is 85% legs, how the hell am I…Sorry, where was I?
- Move to New York City or Washington, D.C.
- Challenge Ryan Anderson to a staring contest
- Challenge any offensive lineman to an eating contest
- Ask Nick Saban a hypothetical question
- Run the 40 time in less than seven seconds
- Did I mention “Fly Air France”?
- Place myself in a wager situation that would end with me wearing any Auburn gear
- Have hope for humanity
- Disagree with my wife
It is said, anything for love, but whoever uttered that tripe never heard of Auburn. So the excuse ‘your significant other is pulling for the Aubies’ – don’t cut it.
Gosh, all this venting is uplifting. Let us know what you might do before cheering for Auburn. You will no doubt feel better afterward. And Alabama Crimson Tide fans, Roll Tide FOREVER!