Auburn wants to renovate Jordan-Hare stadium and is asking for public input, so I drew up this renovation plan for a new and improved home for the Auburn Tigers.
Related: I apply to be Auburn’s defensive coordinator.
Why have only one giant video board when you could have two? That’s the question being asked by Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs as he is looking to get the public’s thoughts on his plan to renovate Auburn’s Jordan-Hare Stadium.
I’m not joking either, Auburn’s plans even include another video board… and will only cost $145 million! Yes, Auburn was in the hole 13.6 million dollars last year, and this year has been a horrible train-wreck straight into the Birmingham Bowl, but why should that stop Auburn from getting more big ole TVs y’all?
Jay Jacobs says however that Auburn won’t be moving forward on their plan to build more football TVs until he hears what Auburn fans have to say. So since I consider myself a fan of all the crazy things Auburn does I’ve decided to let him know my thoughts. Jacobs was kind enough to provide an email for those interested to use to send in their Jordan-Hare renovation opinions, JHSRenovation@auburn.edu.
Here is the email I sent in.
Dear Jay Jacobs,
I’m a huge fan of yours, I absolutely adore everything you’ve done to Auburn. From big TVs to coaching changes you really know hot to hit the nail on the head my friend. In this spirit of friendship and cooperation I’ve decided to lend a hand with the new stadium renovation. I want the faumily be all it can be.
Below you will find a rendering of my vision for an exciting new Jordan-Hare stadium and fan experience.
(Click the image to see it full size.)
This new dream stadium has everything an Auburn man could possibly want, including two Waffle Houses.
Some of the features you might be interested in are:
The Museum of Missed Holding Calls – It’s the Auburn version of the Paul W. Bryant Museum. Auburn fans will be able to see all the times they were cheated out of winning a game by holding calls that were never called because the SEC and the REC are out to get them. (Tinfoil hats will be available in the gift shop for a reasonable price.)
Stadium Flags – Most stadiums have flags with championships or other conference teams on them, Jordan-Hare will have flags displaying all the meaningless failed slogans that Auburn has used over the years.
Donation Boxes – Auburn is in the hole pretty bad, so these donation boxes will give the Auburn family a chance to tithe properly. Ushers will also pass a plate between the third and fourth quarters.
Prayer Circle – There’s nothing Auburn fans like more than showing pictures of their team praying. The new Auburn prayer circle will make that even easier with its wifi capabilities. Now you can show photos of the prayers to Jesus and all your friends on Instagram instantaneously!
Free Speech / Safe Place – Here Auburn coaches will be able to speak their mind without the referees using their privilege and position of power to keep them down.
Swimming Pool / Bass Pond – Fishing and swimming is what Auburn is all about.
Automated Sprinkler System – The new automated sprinkler system will find any grass that may be drying out and spray it. You will never have to worry about dry grass again.
The Walk of Almost Champions – Here fans can see all the coaches that would have won it all “if…”; truly this is a celebration of everything it is to be an Auburn fan.
The Defensive Coordinator Application Center – Here Auburn can keep track of who they have offered their defensive coordinator job to, and who has turned them down. (I sent you an application myself and have heard nothing back.)
I hope you enjoyed my vision for a new Jordan-Hare Stadium, please feel free to email me back your thoughts.
War Eagle,
Bandit
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If I get a response from Auburn I will be sure to post it here. What would you add to the new Jordan-Hare stadium?