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The Official Wisconsin Hate Week Guide

By Blake Bollinger

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Our hate week guides will help you get your hate on, first up is Wisconsin.

Ahh folks we’re almost there, it’s almost time for real life college football! I’m sure you’ve been through all the preseason polls and power rankings. I know you’ve seen all the key match-ups for each team and I don’t doubt you’ve read game by game analysis of the Tide’s 2015 schedule.

That’s great and all but you’ll never be fully prepared for the 2015 Alabama Football season until you’ve read the Official Hate Week Guides.

First up—Wisconsin:

The Wisconsin Badgers are Alabama’s first opponent and, to be honest, I could not be any less worried about this game. The only thing I like about Wisconsin is that they managed to beat Auburn last year. The Badgers made it to their conference championship game only to get beaten by more points than there have been Super Bowls—ten more, in fact.

The beat down was so bad it prompted their head coach Gary Anderson to bolt to OREGON STATE. Yes, you read that correctly a team that played for a conference championship against the eventual national champion lost their head coach to the fightin’ Beavers.

I don’t know who that says more about, your program or your conference.

Speaking of losing to Ohio State, yeah I know Alabama did too, but at least we kept it respectable. However, that must not mean much to Wisconsin Running Back Corey Clement, who for some reason thinks that because he lost to a team by 59 and we only lost by 7, that they too can beat us (more on that here.

Now let’s get to some key hate points before Kickoff in Jerry World:

Sorry Badgers, your only hope now plays for the Chargers. Mandatory Credit: Jonathan Dyer-USA TODAY Sports

Let me start this by telling you that cheese curds suck. Cheese Sticks are way better. Apparently those things were discovered on accident by cheese scientists in Wisconsin; seriously how fat of a state do you have to be to have cheese scientists?

Next let’s talk about Brats. Apparently Wisconsin is the home for Beer Brats, where they soak these things in beer. Seriously? What a waste of a perfectly good beer, wasting beer like that should be a crime. Also, hot dogs are way better and much more American.

You know what’s not American? BRATS (German)!

On Wisconsin indeed.

Did you know that most people from WisCANsin can’t even speak correctly? Stop saying “yous guys” it’s “y’all,” aight? Get it right. Oh and WisCANsin might be the coldest state in the union and we all know how awful the cold is.

Can we talk about your basketball program for a second? How are you going to shock the world by beating Kentucky only to turn around and lose to Duke? Seriously? Duke? Couldn’t you have just lost to Kentucky so we don’t have to live in a world where Duke Basketball reigns supreme? Now thanks to you everyone in America has the “Duke Starting 5” haircut. Good Job Wisconsin!

Now we’ll shift gears to the important talk: football. As I mentioned earlier, your coach up and left you for Oregon State.

Glory Hound Barry Alvarez stepped down from the booth yet again; this time to beat the lowly Auburn Tigers.

Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

No, I did not accidently put State after Oregon, that was on purpose. Don’t let your athletic director Barry Alvarez fool you though, that was the best thing that could have happened to lard lungs. He got to come down and coach a game and BEAT AUBURN, might I add.

This is the second time Alvarez has stepped down from his AD perch to coach the Badgers in a bowl game. The other was after Bret Bielema left for Arkansas (thanks again for letting that thing out in the wild, Wisconsin). How full of himself must Alvarez be?

Better question, why the hell did he stop coaching in the first place?

So who did the Badgers go out and hire? Former offensive coordinator Paul Chryst from Pitt; because we want a WISCY MAN! It’s like if the whole Michigan Man thing were even lamer than it already is.

You lost to NORTHWESTERN last year, congrats on that guys!

Let’s touch on that awful song you adore so much; “Jump Around”. “Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump”, that’s some Bobby Dylan level song writing right there! Care to switch to anything newer and maybe slightly less lame?

Speaking of lameness…Badgers? Really? Weak. Could you not at least be the Honey Badgers or something cool? Speaking of Badgers here’s Wisconsin’s official 2015 hype video:

Apparently these people call themselves Running Back U.

Nope, just stop.

Eddie Lacy is one of the few bright spots in the State of Wisconsin.

Mandatory Credit: Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

Maybe  you can get away with “Brat and Cheese-Fed Fat -Lineman U” but not Running Back U. I’ll take Alexander, Ingram, Richardson and Lacy over Dayne, Clay, Ball and Gordon any day of the week.

The only good thing to come from Wisconsin is JJ Watt. I will speak absolutely no ill of him in fear that he will hunt me down and do terrible things to me. Also Eddie Lacy and HaHa Clinton Dix play in Wisconsin now, so there are a few more non-awful things about the state.

Why don’t we close by talking about the all time national championships for the Badgers? That number would be zero, the exact same percentage chance they have of beating Alabama.

Roll Tide Badgers, we’ll see you September 5th.

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