The SEC Tinder Game

11 of 47

Gus Malzhan – The jar of mayonnaise of the SEC

Turn-Ons: sensible shoes, green beans, saving every ounce of personality for my offense

Turn-Offs: sleeves, being spread on a sandwich

Body Type: I take on the shape of whatever container I’m poured in.

Eyes: obscured by the contacts I wear under my glasses

About Gus:

I’m Gus and I’m a sensible upstanding fellow. Some people may say that I’m boring, but I say swimming in your t-shirt can protect you from harmful UV rays. By being the most vanilla man on the planet I save all my creative energy for my offense.

What Are You Looking For In A Partner?

Someone who knows anything about defense and who can take the fall for me if I go 4-4 in the SEC again.

What Do People Notice First About You?

Probably that I’m low fat and that I’m made mostly of eggs.

Favorite Band: Creed

Favorite Movie: Jupiter Ascending

Sexual Preference: asexual

A Random Fact About You: I’m an exceptional Scrabble player.

If You Could Be Any Animal What Would It Be? A cow

If You Didn’t Do What You Do Now, What Would You Do? I’d probably be a driving instructor.

3 Things You Can’t Live Without: lettuce, bacon, tomatoes