Thanks to a friendly elf we happened to get our hands on Gus Malzahn’s letter to St. Nick. Let’s see what Auburn’s coach has on his wish list this year!
Related: The Scott Cochran Yule Log
Dear Saint Nick,
How are you? Is it cold where you are, I guess Dallas doesn’t really get cold huh? How is Rudolph and Mrs. Terry Claus? You don’t have to worry about delivering presents somewhere exotic this year, I’ll be staying at home. We are just taking one short trip to Birmingham.
I’ve been a very good boy this year… that’s actually not true… and of course you know that because you can see everything as you are an omnipotent football god who is both wise and powerful. Just like the song says “He knows if you’ve been bad or good… or lost almost all your SEC games and thank God you got Kentucky this year.”
We were so bad that we almost lost to Jacksonville State. I tell you, that Jeremy Johnson is no Dasher, Dancer, or Prancer. So my Auburn Tigers have actually been very very bad this year, but I really think we need something other than coal.
We were so bad hat we let Idaho get 479 yards of offense… and that brings me to my Christmas wish for this year. If you could maybe find it in your heart to give Auburn a defensive coordinator that would be so wonderful. I mean surely there’s an elf or graduate assistant you could spare to send down to Auburn for a season.
We’ve tried to hire a defensive coordinator on our own, but we can’t get anyone to take the job. We keep asking folks and they keep saying no, because they know if I don’t get fired for losing the Birmingham Bowl to Memphis I’m certainly getting fired next year. We are even considering hiring this Bandit fellow at this point.
It really doesn’t matter who you get to be our new DC, our fanbase will get excited about any dumb thing we tell them if we add a silly slogan like “State of Auburn” or “Sweet Home Auburn” to it. We could just paint a face on a potato and put it in orange and blue and they’d start talking about how the potato was the best DC in the country this spring.
Heck last year we got them to get excited about a big TV and Will Muschamp. Heck, cats get excited about laser pointers and even they are smart enough not to like Will Muschamp… plus he smells like a bloodhound.
A defensive coordinator isn’t all we want though.
- A defensive coordinator
- Kristi wants that Frozen movie all the girls love right now.
- Aubie needs a new litter box badly, the cat pee smell in Jordan-Hare is overpowering.
- You better put some Legos or Lincoln logs out for Jay Jacobs or he’s bound to start building on the stadium with money we don’t have.
- Now that we have a big TV we’d love to also have cable
I know we are supposed to be rivals St. Nick, but my being at Auburn is the best thing in the world for you, so please fill my Christmas wish list.
I think Gus Malzahn is just adorable don’t you? Like most Alabama fans hope he has a wonderful holiday where he gets everything he wants at he ends up staying at Auburn forever!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Roll Tide!